dear (future) boyfriend

I’m sorry if I’m asking a lot.

It’s because I’m worth a lot.

And yes, I’m yours.




-F.Scott Fitzgerald-

there is something so powerful and ingenuous in these words.

though I’m skeptic about love,

I will definitely said this to someone (someday).

Just haven’t met him yet.

she said

“I will always believe in you”

“You disappointed me”

“I don’t want to go near those two”

“Go with your instinct, it’s your life anyway”

“What is this fuss about?”

“I miss you so much, please come here”

“She’s mad at you, talk to her”

“Thank you, thank you..”

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it”

“Judge yourself”

“Don’t forget, call them for me..”

“Please, come in, what would you like to drink?”

“Say, ‘I love you'”

“Thank you for not judging me”

“I would never”

“We’re damned, we are so damned.”

“We both love you very much,”

“Wait, what? That is stupid.”

“Just the two of you?”

and he said,

“I will call you later”

which he did not

or did.

I left my cellphone upstairs and too lazy to check on it.

love letter

I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I’m sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cos I just wait till you write me you’re coming around

I’m walking on sunshine , wooah
I’m walking on sunshine, woooah
I’m walking on sunshine, woooah
and don’t it feel good!!

Hey , alright now
and dont it feel good!!
hey yeh

I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true
and I don’t want to spend all my life , just in waiting for you
now I don’t want u back for the weekend
not back for a day , no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay

hello, sunshine!

I love this songs since I heard it from one of Glee’s episode, I downloaded the original version by Katrina and The Waves and love it much more. Lately, I love songs that have word ‘sunshine’ on it. To me, it’s like a mood booster.

This song was wrote when relationship was determined by mail post. *gulp* I wonder the patience those old time lovers had when now, I will get anxious if my boyfriend* didn’t reply my bbm in um, 5 seconds. Connection was something very difficult to have back those days. How do you suppose to have faith in your lover when he only send you letter, like once every two weeks?

But I imagine, the thrill and excitement every time a letter was drop to your house. Maybe those piece of paper worth anything in the whole world. It’s very romantic and sweet. No wonder there are lot of oldies songs about mr.postman.

I think we less appreciate the connection we had now (proof : no songs (that I known of) about emails or bbm or messengers), we used to it, used to be connected and sometime took it for granted.

me : hi there

me : hey, what r u doin?

me : Oh damn it, what’s wrong with your messengers?

the next morning

him : sorry, I forgot to pay my cell’s bill.

me : why you did something stupid like that?

okay, so there is time we appreciate the importance of being connected. (when the connection is down)

* oh, I’m not really have a boyfriend currently, but that’s the way I act when I was in a relationship. yes, bitchy girlfriend I am.

black bra under white blouse

When I was in high schools, I wear uniform. ( To have equality for each students due to differences in economy class, all schools from kindergarten to high schools in Indonesia have uniform in their regulation). Though I went to private schools who mostly the kids have rich parents and drives cars to school, we still wearing uniform. White blouse, grey skirt/trouser, white socks and black shoes. No hair coloring, no piercing except in the earlobe for girls.

I think it is important for teenagers to express themselves. Now, if the schools in Indonesia is so strict with rules, they should have an outlets for teenagers to let their ‘creativity’ go. But no, our school just say no to this, no to that. So we bent some rules, not something too extravagant, but little things like uniform.

The girls in my school is famous for their way over the knee skirts. The too tight white blouse. The knee high white socks. The colored hair. The attitude that sets every part time teachers crazy (well, not just the girls for the last one, but all of us did).

The rules said we have to wear a white camisole under our blouse, so the color of the bra would be invisible from outside. Oh, but those cute bras are just too cute to be hidden under a camisole, plus, it was too hot and humid to wear another layer inside our uniform.

I remember clearly, the girls in my class proudly show off what colors and model their bra today. I am too. I told this to my friends in college and she thought we were crazy. Maybe we were, but at that time, it’s normal for us. So I can see my friend bra through her sheer white blouse (and so the rest of the class) but so what? That’s how we wear it anyway.

We graduated, and then realized that those things we thought normal are only normal for us. My friends shrieked when she saw how short my skirt were in high school and I was like, ‘really? this is short? you haven’t seen my friends’ skirts’ (that was so short we could see her undies when she sits).

So years after I graduate from my spoiled crazy high school, I learned to dress appropriate. Though by appropriate I mean no bra revealing, because my college friends in art and design faculty dresses inappropriate in crazy cool way everyday.

I way past the bra things. (though I still wear the cute ones)

But now I’m in a situation which I feel I’m not normal. I don’t act right. People hate what I did because well, because they can.

I feel like I’m the only girl who wear the black bra under my white shirt while the rest of the class wear white bra under black shirt.

You know that kind of feeling, you feel.. kinda alone.

I don’t act by rules,

I did something so terrible,

I am bad.

So I got a choice. To mope all day, or wear those damn black bra and go to hell with everything.

I chose the second.

secrets are best untold

having a large group of friends is fun, you always have them anytime you need a good laugh, and because of my friends I can get past my breakup and have a good laugh about it.

but sometimes it have the downside when you need your privacy. Not every story are need to be told. I don’t mean that I keep secrets from them, but rather ‘I really don’t wanna discussed this with you’ kind of story.

So this have something to do with the guy I’m seeing, but you know, I just don’t think it’s that important to be shared with my groups. Oh come on, I’m not seeing a tv star or else. I did told one and two my girlfriends about this, but you know, only the icing of it. So, the other two I did not share the story are mad at me.

One even mad at me because I said, ‘I don’t wanna share it with her cuz she’ll judge me’

And she is mad because I said she is judgmental.

This is getting ridiculous and stupid. I told her, ‘who wouldn’t judge? people judge’.

I said sorry and she forgive me, she said, ‘but don’t do this again, if you had something to tell me, tell it to my face, not behind my back’.

I just so awestruck she made this into her problems. I didn’t even talk behind her back. not once. I’m just having a good laugh with my other friends about this fling. and she is mad because she thought I accused her for being judgmental. oh, and she accused me for trashing her on twitter. What are we? High school girls??

I didn’t mad at her. I don’t really get why she is mad at me, it’s like she reconstruct some dramas inside her head about me trashing her. now who’s the judgmental? LOL.

She is a good friends of mine, so I love her a lot. I want to get past this, but for now maybe better to keep some distance.

Now, about my two other friends who is spilling the secrets.

Hey, I don’t talk to anyone else about your crush, about your affair, about your fling. True, we gossip. But we gossiping other people we’re not close with. I trust you with mine, and you spill it easily. (really, drunk is not good enough reason), I’m not mad at you girls, fully understand the urge to gossiping with friends, it is fun and I’m not gonna say it is wrong. And if you said sorry, with my heart I forgive you.

I don’t care about the so-called secrets.

I don’t care if the whole world knows who’s I’m going with.

I don’t think it’s important enough.

I’m just kinda disappointed in you. 😦

I only know one person in this world who will keep her mouth shut about my secrets. but she’s in Groningen and sometimes I just need my girlfriends in town.

bzzz! WRONG!