Monthly Archives: April 2010

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I LOVE YOU

AND THAT’S THE BEGINNING OF EVERYTHING

-F.Scott Fitzgerald-

there is something so powerful and ingenuous in these words.

though I’m skeptic about love,

I will definitely said this to someone (someday).

Just haven’t met him yet.

she said

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“I will always believe in you”

“You disappointed me”

“I don’t want to go near those two”

“Go with your instinct, it’s your life anyway”

“What is this fuss about?”

“I miss you so much, please come here”

“She’s mad at you, talk to her”

“Thank you, thank you..”

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it”

“Judge yourself”

“Don’t forget, call them for me..”

“Please, come in, what would you like to drink?”

“Say, ‘I love you'”

“Thank you for not judging me”

“I would never”

“We’re damned, we are so damned.”

“We both love you very much,”

“Wait, what? That is stupid.”

“Just the two of you?”

and he said,

“I will call you later”

which he did not

or did.

I left my cellphone upstairs and too lazy to check on it.

love letter

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I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I’m sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cos I just wait till you write me you’re coming around

I’m walking on sunshine , wooah
I’m walking on sunshine, woooah
I’m walking on sunshine, woooah
and don’t it feel good!!

Hey , alright now
and dont it feel good!!
hey yeh

I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true
and I don’t want to spend all my life , just in waiting for you
now I don’t want u back for the weekend
not back for a day , no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay

hello, sunshine!

I love this songs since I heard it from one of Glee’s episode, I downloaded the original version by Katrina and The Waves and love it much more. Lately, I love songs that have word ‘sunshine’ on it. To me, it’s like a mood booster.

This song was wrote when relationship was determined by mail post. *gulp* I wonder the patience those old time lovers had when now, I will get anxious if my boyfriend* didn’t reply my bbm in um, 5 seconds. Connection was something very difficult to have back those days. How do you suppose to have faith in your lover when he only send you letter, like once every two weeks?

But I imagine, the thrill and excitement every time a letter was drop to your house. Maybe those piece of paper worth anything in the whole world. It’s very romantic and sweet. No wonder there are lot of oldies songs about mr.postman.

I think we less appreciate the connection we had now (proof : no songs (that I known of) about emails or bbm or messengers), we used to it, used to be connected and sometime took it for granted.

me : hi there

me : hey, what r u doin?

me : Oh damn it, what’s wrong with your messengers?

the next morning

him : sorry, I forgot to pay my cell’s bill.

me : why you did something stupid like that?

okay, so there is time we appreciate the importance of being connected. (when the connection is down)

* oh, I’m not really have a boyfriend currently, but that’s the way I act when I was in a relationship. yes, bitchy girlfriend I am.

black bra under white blouse

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When I was in high schools, I wear uniform. ( To have equality for each students due to differences in economy class, all schools from kindergarten to high schools in Indonesia have uniform in their regulation). Though I went to private schools who mostly the kids have rich parents and drives cars to school, we still wearing uniform. White blouse, grey skirt/trouser, white socks and black shoes. No hair coloring, no piercing except in the earlobe for girls.

I think it is important for teenagers to express themselves. Now, if the schools in Indonesia is so strict with rules, they should have an outlets for teenagers to let their ‘creativity’ go. But no, our school just say no to this, no to that. So we bent some rules, not something too extravagant, but little things like uniform.

The girls in my school is famous for their way over the knee skirts. The too tight white blouse. The knee high white socks. The colored hair. The attitude that sets every part time teachers crazy (well, not just the girls for the last one, but all of us did).

The rules said we have to wear a white camisole under our blouse, so the color of the bra would be invisible from outside. Oh, but those cute bras are just too cute to be hidden under a camisole, plus, it was too hot and humid to wear another layer inside our uniform.

I remember clearly, the girls in my class proudly show off what colors and model their bra today. I am too. I told this to my friends in college and she thought we were crazy. Maybe we were, but at that time, it’s normal for us. So I can see my friend bra through her sheer white blouse (and so the rest of the class) but so what? That’s how we wear it anyway.

We graduated, and then realized that those things we thought normal are only normal for us. My friends shrieked when she saw how short my skirt were in high school and I was like, ‘really? this is short? you haven’t seen my friends’ skirts’ (that was so short we could see her undies when she sits).

So years after I graduate from my spoiled crazy high school, I learned to dress appropriate. Though by appropriate I mean no bra revealing, because my college friends in art and design faculty dresses inappropriate in crazy cool way everyday.

I way past the bra things. (though I still wear the cute ones)

But now I’m in a situation which I feel I’m not normal. I don’t act right. People hate what I did because well, because they can.

I feel like I’m the only girl who wear the black bra under my white shirt while the rest of the class wear white bra under black shirt.

You know that kind of feeling, you feel.. kinda alone.

I don’t act by rules,

I did something so terrible,

I am bad.

So I got a choice. To mope all day, or wear those damn black bra and go to hell with everything.

I chose the second.

secrets are best untold

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having a large group of friends is fun, you always have them anytime you need a good laugh, and because of my friends I can get past my breakup and have a good laugh about it.

but sometimes it have the downside when you need your privacy. Not every story are need to be told. I don’t mean that I keep secrets from them, but rather ‘I really don’t wanna discussed this with you’ kind of story.

So this have something to do with the guy I’m seeing, but you know, I just don’t think it’s that important to be shared with my groups. Oh come on, I’m not seeing a tv star or else. I did told one and two my girlfriends about this, but you know, only the icing of it. So, the other two I did not share the story are mad at me.

One even mad at me because I said, ‘I don’t wanna share it with her cuz she’ll judge me’

And she is mad because I said she is judgmental.

This is getting ridiculous and stupid. I told her, ‘who wouldn’t judge? people judge’.

I said sorry and she forgive me, she said, ‘but don’t do this again, if you had something to tell me, tell it to my face, not behind my back’.

I just so awestruck she made this into her problems. I didn’t even talk behind her back. not once. I’m just having a good laugh with my other friends about this fling. and she is mad because she thought I accused her for being judgmental. oh, and she accused me for trashing her on twitter. What are we? High school girls??

I didn’t mad at her. I don’t really get why she is mad at me, it’s like she reconstruct some dramas inside her head about me trashing her. now who’s the judgmental? LOL.

She is a good friends of mine, so I love her a lot. I want to get past this, but for now maybe better to keep some distance.

Now, about my two other friends who is spilling the secrets.

Hey, I don’t talk to anyone else about your crush, about your affair, about your fling. True, we gossip. But we gossiping other people we’re not close with. I trust you with mine, and you spill it easily. (really, drunk is not good enough reason), I’m not mad at you girls, fully understand the urge to gossiping with friends, it is fun and I’m not gonna say it is wrong. And if you said sorry, with my heart I forgive you.

I don’t care about the so-called secrets.

I don’t care if the whole world knows who’s I’m going with.

I don’t think it’s important enough.

I’m just kinda disappointed in you. 😦

I only know one person in this world who will keep her mouth shut about my secrets. but she’s in Groningen and sometimes I just need my girlfriends in town.

bzzz! WRONG!

horoscope fool

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I just bought Elle magazine and found a horoscope page. As usual, I always read horoscope section and I know it’s stupid, but I always want to believe what it says (though at the end of the day, I usually forget what it said about my sign). Here what’s written for Leo :

Your ninth house of learning is aglow and your mind is hungry for stimulation, so take time to explore and create. The new moon on the 14th will ensure that travel sets you in the right direction. Financially, Saturn is now back in your second house of earned income and will oppose Uranus by the 26th, placing unexpected stress on your bank account. Get past this date and you’ll be back in the black. Mercury will also be retrograde from the 18th until May 11th, so avoid expensive purchases, especially electronics. Next month will be all about career advancement, so this month use Venus tour of your reputation sector to solidify relationships with VIP’s and advantageous partners. In love, Mars is still moving through Leo, meaning you’re the star of the show. As if that weren’t enough, Jupiter, which rules your house of true love, is also moving close to Uranus, so love will strike like lightning.

Okay, beside the downside from money area (still don’t have a clue what those planets represents. What’s buying electronics have to do with Mercury??) the love area will make any single girl scream YES! I don’t know though why Jupiter rules Leo house of true love. But hey, the word TRUE LOVE is screaming we don’t really care about the planets.

This horoscope is for April. Now is April and based on this magazine, this is when I found my TRUE LOVE, then love will STRIKE LIKE LIGHTNING.

Now, this is this one guy I’m seeing a lot lately. I still don’t know if he is special or not. he’s been a good friend of mine since 8 years ago, we had a little fling way back then, and stay a good friend since. Now that I’m single and he is too, we’re going out a lot lately. Frankly, we both know, this relationship is a dead-end. (oh, he’s Leo too, by the way)

Call me crazy, but I see pattern in people behaviour based on their horoscopes. Like my dad and my sister, they share the same sign, Aquarius, and they both are very alike it’s scary. My bestfriend and me, share the same sign too, Leo, and we are so great with each other, we stay bestfriend for almost 11 years.

So, this guy is also under the same sign with me ,(okay I’m creepy and crazy) but I have the feeling that I know what he want and what he’s thinking. We both arrogant and we both hate trifling things in romance. I just ended a long term relationship and he is too (not as long as mine though). I swear to myself to never run for a boy, I don’t text first, or call first, or else first. No way I show my interest first. (okay, I’m just way too proud). This guy have a reputation for dating a lot of girls, but that doesn’t stop more and more girls go chasing over him. But I learn, he have those proud, arrogant, cocky attitude that  says ‘well, I like you, but I don’t like you that much to go chasing over you like some fool’. This what drives girls crazy. And as I lay it out to him, he laugh and agree.

But like me, he’s too capable in a long term relationship and can be very loyal. And like me too, we can not settle for something too toneless. And what’s more creepy, we both agree without ever speaks of it, that for now, career is way more important than a love life. Oh yes sure we need those stimulant to go through the day, and being there for each other is just fun sometimes, but not much more to say and we both understand (at least for now).

With guy like him, no way I always said yes. So I made him to say yes to me.

(and some ways, he made me say yes to him, that pompous basterd. LOL )

I know it’s not real, for we are just having fun. With him is like going out with a guy you already feel comfortable with before, and I know he feels the same way too. I hope it’s not going to be love because we are too lazy to handle those emotion flood.

But according to Jupiter, true love will strike like a lighting.

or is just a thunderstruck without love? hm.. (either way, we burned)

wavin flag

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When I get older, I will be stronger, they’ll call me freedom
Just like a Waving Flag.

When I get older, I will be stronger,
They’ll call me freedom, just like a Waving Flag,
And then it goes back, and then it goes back,
And then it goes back

Born to a throne, stronger than Rome
but Violent prone, poor people zone,
But it’s my home, all I have known,
Where I got grown, streets we would roam.

But out of the darkness, I came the farthest,
Among the hardest survival.
Learn from these streets, it can be bleak,
Except no defeat, surrender retreat,

So we struggling, fighting to eat and
We wondering when we’ll be free,
So we patiently wait, for that fateful day,
It’s not far away, so for now we say

When I get older, I will be stronger,
They’ll call me freedom, just like a Waving Flag,
And then it goes back, and then it goes back,
And then it goes back

So many wars, settling scores,
Bringing us promises, leaving us poor,
I heard them say, love is the way,
Love is the answer, that’s what they say,

But look how they treat us, Make us believers,
We fight their battles, then they deceive us,
Try to control us, they couldn’t hold us,
Cause we just move forward like Buffalo Soldiers.

But we struggling, fighting to eat,
And we wondering, when we’ll be free
So we patiently wait, for that faithful day,
It’s not far away, but for now we say,

When I get older, I will be stronger,
They’ll call me freedom, just like a Waving Flag,
And then it goes back, and then it goes back,
And then it goes back

And we all will be singing it

When I get older, when I get older
I will be stronger, just like a Waving Flag,
Just like a Waving Flag, just like a Waving flag
Flag, flag, Just like a Waving Flag

Wavin’ Flag by K’Naan

Now the song used for 2010 World Cup Anthem,

but the lyrics is changed.

This is the original version

medicine

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today, our friendship was put on a test,

I never had the courage to tell it to your face,

But I know, only from you, I can get my head straight.

This all was fun.

But I’m losing grip, and before I knew it, I’m falling deeper and deeper.

So I made up my mind to tell you my news,

And when I see disappointment in your eyes,

It breaks my heart.

I made you cry,

And I realized, I let you down.

You mean so much to me,

To still love me after all I have done,

To judge me but still defend me,

To be mad at me, but always worry over me,

To doubt me, but always believe in me,

To say ‘I don’t get you’ but the truth is you are the only one who can,

To be different from all the typical

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I never thought this would be easy, telling you.

But I’m not well, and I need you.

I’m not healed yet, but a dose of you every time I’m losing it,

Making me stronger than yesterday.

Thank you so much.

for Nurul Wardani,

my soul sister

a cup of hot tea and a sane mind

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let’s forget the rules of attraction,

for a moment push that pause button,

throw away that self help book about the game of love,

if only once we’re honest, maybe we’ll save much time.

maybe the truth is, he’s just want to have fun,

maybe the truth is, she thinks he’s the one,

and if they play along, someone will get hurt, definitely.

lay your card on the table, put off your poker face, and say what you really want.

because some people who doesn’t know the rules, will definitely lose.

maybe when he kissed her he’s thinking about kissing another girl

maybe when she kissed him she’s thinking about a white house with two little kids

the next thing,

she found out he’s hitting on her friend,

he found out she’s a psycho,

and then, they forget why they attracted to each other,

she thinks : he’s changing, he’s not the sweet boy I used to know

he thinks : she’s changing, she’s not the fun girl I used to know

But the fact is, still remain, nobody is changing.

because they see what they want to see

hear what they want to hear

believe what they want to believe

..

I almost lose my mind over a boy,

almost lay my cards on the table,

almost.

but oh, to win the game one must lose a couple of rounds.

so maybe, this is my time.

all I need, is a cup of hot tea, and a sane mind.

where is the limit in off limit?

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social rules are weird, who can not ever go out with who are the unwritten rules, yet if one disobeyed it, the punishment is isolated by one’s social peers.

Rule One : You can not ever go out with your bestfriend ex.

This the basic rule of friendship, which is almost normal to me. It will be super-weird to kissing a guy who kissed your bestfriend too. But hey, who we are to say ‘no, don’t you guys ever make out’ to a couple falling in love? Who knows this guy was your bestfriend’s love of her life, her soulmate even? LOL. I personally don’t buy that love stuff, and I might feel weird if my ex is going out with my close friend, but I won’t ever say no. The reason I break up is because I don’t want him with me, what reason did I have to ban my friend for having him?

Rule Two : have some single moment after break up before you seeing somebody new

If one disobeyed the rule, like having a new girlfriend right after he broke up with his old girlfriend, people will assume that he is cheating (which is probably true), and it will insulted the ex-girlfriend because she knew, even though he did not cheating on her, he already feel some interest in the new girl while they were still going out. I personally think, once you break up with somebody, it’s really none of your business who he’s seeing in the next hour. It maybe insulting, it may trigger anger, but still, not my business anymore. (the fact he run to another girl as fast as you say ‘goodbye’ really, a good reason why you broke up, he’s a jerk.)

Rule Three : Do not ever go out with your sister ex.

Totally agree. This is way beyond gross. super gross.

Rule Four : Do not ever go out with your relatives.

Although it is okay to date your cousin, but imagine how awful the break up will be. It’s not just about the two of you, but it may damaged the relationship between the families. Some people okay-ed this, but me personally, can’t even imagine holding hands with one of my cousins. It will freak me (and maybe them) out. LOL.

Rule Five : Do not ever make somebody you know from internet your boyfriend.

Did I need to say reasons for this? First, it’s dangerous, you don’t know him (is it really him?), you don’t know if he says is all true ( handsome 25 years old maybe a bald 48 years old) and relationship based on virtual world is better stay virtual. Do not ever made him reality, because even he is true to his words, think again, you have a boyfriend that half is your imagination. Not good, find one in real flesh and blood. go out. Oh and another reason, people will think you are pathetic. Please don’t do that to your reputation, girl.

Rule Six : Do not go out with somebody who have a girlfriend.

Do NOT. I repeat, do NOT. Girl, this is way beyond disgrace. First, you will hurt other person. And second, you go out with a jerk, don’t you get it? All things he says to you is lies. If he can hurt his girlfriend (by going out with you), what makes you think he will not hurt you in the future? (by cheating on you with other girl?). Please, don’t be that girl.

But all rules meant to be broken. This six are not exception.

In our life, we will encounter one or more case that disobeyed this social rules. So, I make a rule :

Rule Seven : Never Judge

This is the hardest rule to practice. I learn from experience, that by judging other person, you will get nothing on your benefit. So he’s cheating, and she’s having sex chat with some stranger on the net, and maybe your ex is hitting on your sister, and your bestfriend is having a big crush on your ex, or your cousin is going out with your other cousin. But then so what?

People bend the rules, it’s only natural

But we can’t say they wrong and bad and evil. I know person who cheats, maybe they have some issues with trust. I know a girl who dated online, maybe she have some issues with self esteem, I know people who found new girlfriend right after he broke up with the old one, maybe it is just meant to be.

Let’s skip the social pressure and stop putting people in boxes.

summer sunshine

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Sunshine and Bougenville

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

Just sweet beginnings and bitter endings
In coffee city, we borrowed heaven
Don’t give it back, I’ve never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?

photo taken at Gili Terawangan Island, December 2009

Lyrics from The Corrs, “Summer Sunshine”

Blog written from troubled (but excited) mind of the writer

bird day afternoon

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last week, I accompany my friend to the Sukahaji Bird Market, though my dad spent million times there, I never set foo in this place. So, I decided why not, maybe I could get a good shot of all the birds and chickens there. And not only a good shots, I had a great time too (not as horrible as I imagine a bird market would be), it’s crowded usually on Sunday, but on weekdays it’s relatively calm.

I finally understand why my dad love spent a whole day just sitting and talking with his peers about, well, bird. You can feel the passion of each man here, how they adore some little creature so much they want to spend a fortune on it. We visited kiosk after kiosk, and have a long chat with the owners about pigeons, starlings, magpies,cages, and more more birds, one guy even persist we visited his house to check on a starling that he acclaimed, ‘I only see this kind once in every 20 years’, the starling can says words, ‘papa mau kemana?’ (papa, where do you want to go?) and ‘mama mau kemana?’. The bird really entertain us. LOL.

inside the market

ugly duckling

mister rooster

in love

it's getting late

for more picture from my flickr click here

anyway, my friend bought me a blue black bird, the feathers color is deep black (like a suede) and metallic blue. I was awed when I first saw it. The guy who sell it says the bird name, something like ‘gogonello’ which I can’t find it in google. I guess it’s just a local name they have for the bird. And after an hour surfing the net, I managed to get the official name for the bird. It’s called Asian Fairy Bluebird (Irena puella) and it can be found in Himalayan, Sri Lanka and Indonesia.

Oz, my Asian Fairy Bluebird

I named the Asian Fairy Oz, from The Wizard of Oz and also short from Ocean (because its magnificent electric blue feathers).

So, to sum it up, it’s a great day at the bird market! I’d like to go there again in the rush hour! 😀

f.o.o.l

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for believing

for falling

for smiling

for saying yes,

for holding hands,

for laughing,

for kissing,

for sharing,

for sitting side by side,

for listening,

for following my heart, not my head.

.

Oh girl, can’t you see? You’re in the middle where you can not see the beginning yet the ending is already written.

Don’t you wise enough not to take everything the world offers you?

Don’t you loved enough that you don’t need to seek another love?

Can’t you see? You will be hurt.

–

Oh yes it’s crystal clear.