Darling, I think I’m a Mania.

“you,” my boyfriend pointed his finger at me, “are the most irritating person I’ve ever met in my life.”

said by the most irritating man I’ve ever met, don’t you think it was actually a compliment? But I just shrugged and gave him a mischievous smile. We were having dinner and talking about compromise in a relationship. I fully understand that I’m not easy to handle and sometimes, fully aware, I drive him to the edge. While on the subject, we tried to break down what kind of people we were when love was the subject.

Based on John Lee’s theory of love in the book  Psych101 by Paul Kleinman, he broke Love into three basic primary styles:

  1. Eros: Loving the ideal of a person both physically and emotionally
  2. Ludos: A type of love that is played like a game or conquest (and might result in many partners at one time)
  3. Storge: Love that stems from a friendship over time.

I must say our love must be the third style. Although he was a Ludos type and I was a bit of Eros.

Lee’s theory also combined each of the basic styles:

  1. Mania (Eros and Ludos), is a style of love that is obsessive, emotional highs and lows, jealousy, and very possessive feelings.
  2. Pragma (Ludos and Storge), is practical. Lovers go into the situation with the hopes of reaching their final goal. Practical and realistic.
  3. Agape (Eros and Storge) is a love that is all-encompassing and selfless

“you are absolutely a Mania,” he laughed. I ignored him. Deep, deep down I wanted to be an Agape. I wanted to be this girl who loved her partner so deeply and honest, she didn’t think about herself but her loved one. And a practical Pragma sounded even better than a possessive girlfriend, but goal in a relationship just sounded so shallow for me. Why ones needed to have ‘goal’ that had to be connected with other person? I hated the fact that the success of the goal entirely dependent on another human being.

So I need to accept the fact that yes, I’m a Mania and no, I’m not an Agape. Here’s why:

  • I don’t like my possession, my special, one-of-a-kind possession, used by someone else. I see my boyfriend as my possession and therefore, I apply the rule in my relationship. This, I analyze, is different with jealousy. I experience this irritated feeling when my fellow teacher took the overhead projector out of my class without my permission! Can you imagine how irritated I would be if it’s not the projector but my lover?
  • I’m not selfless, I love myself too much I have to be selfish. I don’t like the idea of being selfless. Would you lose yourself, your identity to somebody? My boyfriend never fails to mention how selfish I am, how demanding and how impatient I am. Often these lead to our usual rows. But I think this is where compromise plays part, right?
  • I never set goal in relationship. Think about it: what for? Why bother? If love is based on emotion, what’s the use of laying tactics to score the goal? I hate it when someone said, “so what’s your plan? Wedding next year?”. I find these kind of people sometimes very unrealistic because their life just would go ballistic when the ugly truth hits: “he just doesn’t love you anymore, darling, he’s in love with his secretary.” So yes, I think to set goal in a relationship is just a waste of time.

Well, what do you know..just when you thought buying some psychology book wouldn’t do you any harm..

Through my explanation, he sat and listened (although I suspected his mind wandered to his tamiya) and  I then realized, “oh my God, I’m an awful person.” I love myself more than I love him, I don’t want our relationship to succeed at any rate and I’m a crazy jealous bitch who compared my human boyfriend with a projector.

He laughed so hard and tried to relax me, but I was devastated. Was this the reason why I could never find a boyfriend for quite some times and why men around me kept staying the hell away from me? When I told him that, he laughed harder. It was easy for him (or maybe any men), women mostly will follow the will of their men, they have this high tolerance when it involves relationship. The need of a masculine figure in their life puts relationship in their priority, therefore being selfless, hide the traits of possessiveness and making a scheme on how to  toll the wedding bells come almost naturally. I had that kind of tolerance before, but now unfortunately, I omitted that. Why? Because when I was that kind of person, I just wasted years of my life, and my ex’s – in a relationship I knew just wouldn’t work.

“I’m sorry if I’m a bitch sometimes, it’s just that I made a promise to myself that I would never ever lie to myself again.”

He calmed me down, “it’s okay, be whoever you want to be, I don’t mind.”

“But, I’m difficult. Yes, now I have you but who else would want me?” (see points in Mania? Emotion highs and lows? Check.)

“You see, being with you, one will need a long bowel.” Just when I thought I have misheard him, he explained that  in Javanese there is an idiom that the longer the bowel is, the more patience the person is.

“You have to be with someone who has a lot of patience and a high level of intelligence, because you are right: you are difficult.” I was so touched when he mentioned ‘intelligence’ but then realized he actually complimented himself and rolled my eyes. Still, I was thankful of him. Maybe at some point where we can’t compromise further, we’ll hit bottom, but I feel that I understand myself better now and actually help him to understand me.

Well he must be, because he’s a mania too.


What I Find Sexy In Men

Late at night, over two big glasses of hot tea, I listened to my boyfriend gave his argument and opinions on his job. We have two different jobs, I work in education and he works in art, though I took Art and Design for my undergraduate, I didn’t work in the field and my knowledge about art is limited. So, although we know same people or peers, we actually live in a very different world.

I work with schedule, tight schedule and he works with schedule – based on his mood. (Sometimes, I drive him crazy with being punctual, he accused me of not being able to ‘enjoy the time’, but rather I just ‘enjoy the time that I have‘). But aside from our work-differences, I enjoy the fact that we have rather the same schedule, we both start working at noon and finish at night. Then we have our late night tea and meal in our usual place, chatting about how our day was.

Then, on my way home, I was thinking what things in men that I find it sexy. You might share the same points in my list..

1. Work first, women second

Call me ungrateful, but the first reason I broke up with my ex was because he always put me first – or shall I say, his romance life first – rather than his work. It was very sweet at the beginning, but then he became unattractive. I like how my current boyfriend always put his work first before me. He clearly mentioned that he care so much about his career and many times I had to step aside so he could be in his own world. Sometimes, I watch him, his serious expression and his hands, face, shirt, black with charcoal and I find him very, very attractive.

2. He earns money

Yeah, yeah, we suppose to look at someone past all materialistic things, but come on. come on. I work my ass off, I pay for my installments, bills, needs. I demand my boyfriend to do the same thing too. I’m not talking about how much a man should make, but I’m not a fresh graduate in my 22’s anymore, I’m 28 and able to support myself, shouldn’t my man do the same? Yes. When men make money, they become confident and once they can support themselves they considered to be an adult with responsibilities. Nothing is more sexy than a man who is able to say “let me take care of that” (although of course you can take care of it yourself).

3. When I want it, I’ll get it attitude (obsession, obsession)

My boyfriend – under the sign Leo – shines with confidence (over-shine sometimes), when he sets his eyes on something and he wants it, he makes sure he will. When men show their determination on to something, they become this sexy little beast. It can get annoying, mind you, but at the same time, funny. My boyfriend latest obsession: Tamiya. He even made me one, a pink one that he self-painted and modified. He didn’t care that I actually didn’t care that much, he did it in spite of obsession.

4. He loves my mother.

When he’s away, he mentions that he misses my mother. Many times he said that he loves her like he loves his own. Isn’t that sweet? He says he feels comfortable around my mom and that my mom treated him just the way he is. When we have our rows, he sometimes worries what my mother will think of him (he didn’t really care about my opinion on him). She thinks our fights are hilarious. When men show their affection toward our mothers, we know how much they love their own mothers.

5. His confidence

Women secretly (or not), love to be bosses around. They love the fact that someone in the relationship actually takes charge. My boyfriend brims with confidence. The way he talks, walks, speaks, looks are spelled c-o-n-f-i-d-e-n-c-e in bold big red letters. He always pushes me to be more confident myself, to appreciate my skill and my work. I put my trust on him, in sea of doubt, having him near me I feel safe. Come on, which women wouldn’t fall for this kind of attitude?

6. He sees me as an equal

He said to me, I was the only woman in the world that can scold him. We began our relationship with series of unfortunate events and after we through that phase, we realized that we became buddy. I listen to him (because he knows me well) and he take my advice (because he trusts me). Sometimes when I self-doubt myself, he doesn’t console me like a good boyfriend would have done, instead he mocks me saying how inadequate I am. After that, I feel that I want to kick somebody’s ass, work harder, and yes, I stop complaining. And then when the job is done, he pats me on the back and says “I’m proud of you.” Provocateur.

7. Those little things

When I’m down, he’s the first to notice. “What’s with the face?” and although this is hard to believe, he knows the exact words I need to hear. He also does cute things like waiting for me for dinner (although he’s starving), asks how my day was before he starts telling his story, filled my gas tank when he uses my car, gives me his piece of those crispy chicken skin when we eat KFC together (priceless). Those little attention that sometimes go unnoticed, are very very charming. 🙂

Anyway, these are my definitions of sexy. What’s yours?

High Fidelity

Peter Parker said (indirectly to Gwen Stacy) at the end of the movie, the best kind of promises were the ones which we couldn’t keep.

These past few weeks, I encountered some experience with trust. I sat and listened to stories of my friends and some were my own, of promises that were broken. When ones went through an infidelity there were two choices to be made. It struck me though that many took the choice that I wouldn’t have thought they would. Wasn’t it quite clear? That we don’t be with someone who we couldn’t trust?

A girl friend of mine said that love is not what it takes to survive marriage, that she chose to ignore her partner infidelity in an exchange of a married life. Another said she saw her partner flaws, excepted it, as a form of commitment in their relationship. Both of them said these were things grown up people in a serious relationship should be able to deal with.

Was it?
Was to sacrifice your own happiness, your own freedom, bring you a contentment in life? In some cases, contentment takes time. Maybe it will, maybe it is. To know that you make another human being happy – your spouse or your family – might make you a happy person. It was said that sacrifices made for good deeds bring happiness to the person who did it. After all, we’re not gonna live forever.

A friend of mine -who was asking for my advice when he was in doubt of his own relationship- said I was the kind of person who put my happiness first, that means I was selfish. I should be more like him; sacrifice his own freedom and happiness so he wouldn’t hurt his spouse. I was dumbstruck, was it wrong to put our happiness first? Or was it just his justification of his cowardice to choose a road less traveled?

In one of Pocahontas’ soundtrack, ‘Just Around The River Bend’, she sang about choices she decided to take. “To be safe we lose our chance of ever knowing.”
When I asked my friend why didn’t she break up with her boyfriend if she couldn’t take it anymore? She said she was afraid of being alone. She chose to be safe and decided to take her feet off the river.

Sometimes, promises need to be broken.
Sometimes, we need to trust our instinct before we start to trust other.
And sometimes -lots of times- we need to be brave.

It’s not my justification for my act, nor defense for any act of infidelity. But maybe we need to take closer look for what fidelity means. If by keeping your promise means you would be honest and loyal to your spouse, that would be great. But if by doing so you lied and betrayed yourself, what form of infidelity was worse than that?

Everybody wants freedom, but Queen Ellinor in the movie ‘Brave’ asked a good question : Are you willing to pay the price your freedom will cost you?

I must say, I paid mine. Wasn’t easy. But it’s worth every second of it. 🙂


this pic is taken at Zara when we went shopping. We already shared the same zodiac, ego and must it be stores too?

Anyway, this is right before the huge fight. I remember that night clearly because we had so much fun. movies, coffees,shopping, and tried every hat on the store. We had fun and we kissed a nice good bye kiss and the next day I wanted to gave him a really really good punch in the face. I think of not using my hand, but something heavy and blunt.

I was extremely, sorry, EXTREMELY mad at him that I deleted him from my bbm contact list. Yes. That showed how much I MAD AT YOU. I didn’t speak to him for 3 weeks and completely ignoring him. Well, knowing his ego, of course he’s not gonna call me first either. Both of you are stubborn, my friend said.

well, if you want to put this into game, let me get this straight, I’m not gonna surrender.

and…. I win.

he buzzed me first, and I screamed ‘YES!’ then he texted me, then he called me, then he met me.

I knew he missed me. and he knew I knew that. he also knew I missed him too. and he knew I know he knew.

then, before I knew it. We’re back again at Zara and trying another stupid hat. yeah, so much for a winner..

Don’t get me wrong, I do still want to punch him. I know that we’ll get into another fight. Maybe. So all I can do now is, nothing. I focused hard on my job and try to give him as little as possible space in my brain.

I realized, he may not be here tomorrow. But I think what he didn’t realized is, I may not too. But for now, let’s behave like a proper 26 years old and just eat the damn sushi.

oh, and I have another blog, is written in Bahasa. so fellow Indonesian, find me. 🙂



work hard

there’s an interesting article I read in an December ELLE issue, it’s about how we sometimes feel the need to stop and have a me time to refresh and to take a big break, well the author said that instead of that, what we’re need is more work and maybe that suppose to be put inside our new year resolution list. I think it’s a good idea though, hard work, not the kind that turns you into workaholic, but at the right amount.

The author also said that working keeps mind of from things. If we do something routine and constantly we lost and forget about other things and it’s a good recipe for a broken heart instead of going away and have a breakup trip. Well, it works on me anyway.

My friend Yori said what I do right now, it’s kind of hard to understand. He said that people need big heart to do that kind of thing. If we give something to someone it’s only natural we hoping for something back. I do too. But what choices do I have? You will get another series of broken heart and disappointments, oh yes sir, I will.

But that’s the problem with heart I think, you don’t give it, it chooses. I can try to keep it off my mind, and it works, at least I’m not sad anymore. I try to see other guy, and it works, at least I know there are other chances. I don’t call, text,see him, and it works, at least I know I can handle days without his presence.

But you know sometimes those little fragile thing, that can vanish in seconds, that can change in an instant, that can be hit and breaks is some damn stubborn thing. Because it doesn’t need a presence, it doesn’t need any replacement, it doesn’t think logically. Maybe Mr.Gaiman put it right..

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones)

Anyway, my friend Yori was worried I got into this delusional blinded by love thing. He was so concerned and I can’t helped but laughed. No I’m not. Why you’re so sure? Because.. I paused for a moment, because I hate myself when I’m with him, at least right now. He seems a bit puzzled so I try to explained it the best way I can. I like him and I like him for who he is, and I know who he is, the truths that hide behind those snob attitude, I even know him so well I know why he didn’t want me. I know the best sides of him and I saw the sides I don’t really like, the sides that broke my heart, made me sad, disgust me.  Yeah then so why you..? He protested. The reason why is, because he also made me into a better person, in a way he didn’t even realized. Only a few people in your life that can do that to you.

And it’s not because of the money, the talent, the success. I asked myself will I like him if those shiny things don’t belong to him? Well, the funny thing, I already did. almost 9 year ago when he was this young man who wore ripped jeans, didn’t had any money to eat, who I gave lifts cause he didn’t got any money for public transport, who sat  in my porch hours and hours until it’s past midnight, just talking over coffees, lots of coffees, who shared with me his scandalous love stories (yes I think women always his things), who told me all about his family long before I met them (and when I met them, I was like..oh yes, so you’re the sister!), who said that someday he will go to Italy to see the works of Michaelangelo, who shared with me the burden of being a class president, who missed his father and always beamed when he told me how good his father at drawing, who hugged me when in his hardest moment I told him, it’s okay everything is gonna be alright.

We drifted apart after he got a girlfriend and I got a boyfriend.

And when I saw him after that, I just knew that we will have the second kiss. What I didn’t know was, it also came with a broken heart.

Did I regretted it?

I know that someday I will fall out of love with him. He will find another who he told his stories to. After all, it’s just an emotion. No I did not regret it. Things will be okay I know.

So what will you do?

I think and then, nothing. I will do nothing about it. I’m not gonna chasing a pavement for him nor I’m gonna change anything about me, or losing my self-respect. My friend Nuy said, you can feel anything, you can feel sad, madly in love, angry, jealous nobody can control feeling, but what you can control is the way you’re behaving.

But, surely you want him right?

Oh yes I do, but before that, he should realized how lucky he is that someone like me wants him.

Because although I knew him well, I think he don’t know me that well. So mister, learn fast because nothing last forever, only change does.

Meanwhile, let’s get back to work. And just dance if things goes not so well for you said Andrea Petkovic who just defeated Maria Sharapova 😀

Something worth fighting for

In my college life, I think I was blessed with many good friends. I found my bestfriends, shared my dreams, cried and laughed with them. Some of them stay in my life long after we graduated. Again, I feel blessed. But there’s some funny things about friendship,  as I grow older (and hopefully wiser) I learned that we must work for friendship.

Friendship is the most fun relationship someone can ever have with another human being. You started it with common likes and hobbies, no promises or commitment yet you can count on your friends to be there when you need it. You tell your friend secrets not even your mother knew, they keep it and they accept you just the way you are. You have fun and craziness with them. You never grew tired hang around with them, even silence means comfort when you have your bestfriend by your side.

Last year, I learned the meaning of friendship the hard way. I learned that friends are not the one you can only have fun with, they’re also the one who gave you shoulder when you need to hide your tears. Because of my 26 years of living, and spend most of it being social person as someone who tend to said yes and avoid conflicts, I never really had problems with my girl friends, no fights, nothing. But last year, my world was turning upside down. I lost friends, many of them that are close to me, who I consider my bestfriends, people I really care about.

Many things happened, somehow we had a lesson about being a grown up and to deal with problems. Works, friends, relationship, families. I think the moment you realized what is important in your life, you will have the urge to fight for it. And most importantly, have the courage to fix it, say you’re sorry and try to understand – kinda like imagine you’re in their shoes- I know I’ve been selfish, I know my friends have been selfish too, but like family, you just know that you love them and care for them. And at the end, you will have to put your ego aside, because you need them in your life.

Last week, I terribly missed my good friend, who’s away in Australia right now. Thing has been difficult for us, and I know I caused her sadness. And it just doesn’t feel right. Try your best doing a ‘well, I don’t care’ act, believe me, you’ll just put another lie to shield your selfishness. So I emailed her again, tried my best to make her understand. And she replied and I can see she did her best to understand me too. She was this girl I knew but she’s more. She grows up, more mature and I can see that somehow she learned from things life gave to her. I’m so proud of her. Really proud of her. We need more time. But patience is virtue.

Nuri, my good ol’ friend said, that maybe this was a test. How hard will you work for your relationship with your friends, how determined are you to fix things and how to put our ego and being brave. I proved it with Nuy and I dare myself again.I guess the old saying cliche about friends is true, boys come and go but friends stay forever.

I was mad at one of my friend who refused to fix things, because she was scared. Maybe I have to put myself in her shoes to understand her. Or maybe she failed the test. I hope someday she’ll have the courage to do it, but for now I think you will walk with person who matter to you and you know that you matter for them. Small things like wedding ceremonies, funerals, even a text saying good luck in your final exam day, or an email in a busy hectic day to lift up the spirit, or even cupcake you bought just because you know she craves for those thing, all of it need efforts. If you only want your friends for a drink, movies, concerts, gossips -in other way, only the fun part- you can find a  lot.

But if you want friends to tell your darkest secrets, defend you even the whole world against you, mad at you because you did something wrong, hold your hand when you almost lost faith in everything, and tell it to your face ‘don’t worry, no matter how bad it will be, I’ll be here for you’ and really means it, the kind of friends you will see in your old days, someone who makes you into a better person and help you to find the best in you, I must say it’s not a lot. You’re lucky if you found one. Extremely lucky if you have some. Those kind of friends are rare because you both already passed a test, some tests probably, on how much a friendship means to each of you.

Nuy, you’re my living proof, I love you.


how to look cool when you’re mad in anger

This christmas, Hendra annoyed me again by bringing his delusional ex for spending christmas with his family. He didn’t tell me a word about it until they’re in his hometown. Now, that’s the line mister. I’m really sorry but I don’t go along with man who said yes to every women. That’s cheap, even for your standard. Okay, so I make a list for my how to (LOL) and since a girl added me on yahoo messenger said she read my blog and understand my position cause she’s been there, maybe this list will do somebody good.

1. laugh at it

and I mean it. sure, you’re in anger. you want to rip him in pieces and want to scream some nasty words toward him when he called you pretending nothing was wrong (oh yes, my ex came with me for christmas, she said she wants to meet my mom. um, that’s normal right?), and last, cry your hearts out why oh why he did this to youuu. But things happen in your life can be classified into two things : tragedy and comedy. So choose comedy instead. I mean, isn’t that hilarious how pathetic his ex is? or how stupid he sounds when he try to sounds cheerful so that you won’t get mad? It takes time, but believe me, when you chose to see everything from comedy’s point of view, life gets easier.

2. go for a drink

No, I don’t mean get wasted. Get your close girlfriends for a martini and some chocolate rum shake, then let them be mad for you. Sometimes you go through a stage when you’re not sure. Not sure whether you have to be mad at him. Not sure if his act is unforgivable. Now, before you reach your blackberry, talk to your girlfriend. One of my friend, said this to my face ( I think she’s a little bit tipsy) “You know, you look stupid because you always go along with him.” and the other say, “I know you’re different with all of his women. Now, prove it to me.” Okay, surely that burns something inside me. Pride. Yes. Sometime your girlfriend reminds you to hold fast onto it. Don’t lose your pride.

3. Cut him off

I deleted him from my blackberry messenger list. Well, sure he still can call me or text me, but at least not by bbm. And let him know that you cut him off. Do a silence treatment. Some says this is childish, but when you’re in anger and you’re sad you might said something you will regret later. So it’s best to just cut him off, don’t talk to him or see him. Maybe until things cool off. Then you can say calmly why you don’t like things he did to you. When you talk to a man in a controlled temper, they pay more respect, but if you blab and put some drama and tears, they’ll think you’re just “being silly”. Trust me, I tried it and it works.

4. Release your anger (in a very lady like way)

Who can keep calm 24/7? We’re not Mother Therese, we have patience sure, but it has limit too. But don’t put some nasty comments on his facebook wall or her facebook wall. Don’t block her or him from your twitter account, and stop dissing him in front of your friends and being sad and gloomy all the time. Have fun, go out, and laugh at the fact he brings his ex to his hometown (oh yeah, that would be funny if I said yes when his mother invited me for christmas, some family gathering huh?). So how to release it? Write some status on your facebook or twitter is okay, but make sure it has hidden message that only you (and your girlfriends) understand. Then have a little laught together.

5. Accept things

To act cool, you have to have a cool mind too. I know it’s hard, but you have to accept things that are not easy. He lied to you, he’s not good for you, or he’s just not that into you. Accept the fact. Accept that you maybe the loser who lost your man, but at least you’re not some loser who still chase the same man after he disappointed you, let you down, and hurt you. No, you’re better than that girl. Accept things and slowly but sure, you can act cool without even trying!

6. Forgive, but not forget

If he ask for forgiveness, that’ll be cruel not to forgive him (even God forgives). I say forgive him, you have a big heart. But now the question is, do you want to get back with him? That totally depends on each of you, all of us have different problems and different situation. Some relationship worth fighting, some not. But always remember this : never be with a man who doesn’t appreciate you and doesn’t treat you properly. Don’t be afraid of losing, because some goodbye means another hello. 🙂

7. Have some pride

I don’t have much to say except to have some pride and you will be respected. It comes both ways. You can’t expect you’ll get a respect if you don’t have some pride. I like this saying, “don’t go chasing men, they’re like trains, when the other goes, the other one will come along.”