history…repeated?

this pic is taken at Zara when we went shopping. We already shared the same zodiac, ego and must it be stores too?

Anyway, this is right before the huge fight. I remember that night clearly because we had so much fun. movies, coffees,shopping, and tried every hat on the store. We had fun and we kissed a nice good bye kiss and the next day I wanted to gave him a really really good punch in the face. I think of not using my hand, but something heavy and blunt.

I was extremely, sorry, EXTREMELY mad at him that I deleted him from my bbm contact list. Yes. That showed how much I MAD AT YOU. I didn’t speak to him for 3 weeks and completely ignoring him. Well, knowing his ego, of course he’s not gonna call me first either. Both of you are stubborn, my friend said.

well, if you want to put this into game, let me get this straight, I’m not gonna surrender.

and…. I win.

he buzzed me first, and I screamed ‘YES!’ then he texted me, then he called me, then he met me.

I knew he missed me. and he knew I knew that. he also knew I missed him too. and he knew I know he knew.

then, before I knew it. We’re back again at Zara and trying another stupid hat. yeah, so much for a winner..

Don’t get me wrong, I do still want to punch him. I know that we’ll get into another fight. Maybe. So all I can do now is, nothing. I focused hard on my job and try to give him as little as possible space in my brain.

I realized, he may not be here tomorrow. But I think what he didn’t realized is, I may not too. But for now, let’s behave like a proper 26 years old and just eat the damn sushi.

oh, and I have another blog, is written in Bahasa. so fellow Indonesian, find me. 🙂

 

 

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work hard

there’s an interesting article I read in an December ELLE issue, it’s about how we sometimes feel the need to stop and have a me time to refresh and to take a big break, well the author said that instead of that, what we’re need is more work and maybe that suppose to be put inside our new year resolution list. I think it’s a good idea though, hard work, not the kind that turns you into workaholic, but at the right amount.

The author also said that working keeps mind of from things. If we do something routine and constantly we lost and forget about other things and it’s a good recipe for a broken heart instead of going away and have a breakup trip. Well, it works on me anyway.

My friend Yori said what I do right now, it’s kind of hard to understand. He said that people need big heart to do that kind of thing. If we give something to someone it’s only natural we hoping for something back. I do too. But what choices do I have? You will get another series of broken heart and disappointments, oh yes sir, I will.

But that’s the problem with heart I think, you don’t give it, it chooses. I can try to keep it off my mind, and it works, at least I’m not sad anymore. I try to see other guy, and it works, at least I know there are other chances. I don’t call, text,see him, and it works, at least I know I can handle days without his presence.

But you know sometimes those little fragile thing, that can vanish in seconds, that can change in an instant, that can be hit and breaks is some damn stubborn thing. Because it doesn’t need a presence, it doesn’t need any replacement, it doesn’t think logically. Maybe Mr.Gaiman put it right..

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones)

Anyway, my friend Yori was worried I got into this delusional blinded by love thing. He was so concerned and I can’t helped but laughed. No I’m not. Why you’re so sure? Because.. I paused for a moment, because I hate myself when I’m with him, at least right now. He seems a bit puzzled so I try to explained it the best way I can. I like him and I like him for who he is, and I know who he is, the truths that hide behind those snob attitude, I even know him so well I know why he didn’t want me. I know the best sides of him and I saw the sides I don’t really like, the sides that broke my heart, made me sad, disgust me.  Yeah then so why you..? He protested. The reason why is, because he also made me into a better person, in a way he didn’t even realized. Only a few people in your life that can do that to you.

And it’s not because of the money, the talent, the success. I asked myself will I like him if those shiny things don’t belong to him? Well, the funny thing, I already did. almost 9 year ago when he was this young man who wore ripped jeans, didn’t had any money to eat, who I gave lifts cause he didn’t got any money for public transport, who sat  in my porch hours and hours until it’s past midnight, just talking over coffees, lots of coffees, who shared with me his scandalous love stories (yes I think women always his things), who told me all about his family long before I met them (and when I met them, I was like..oh yes, so you’re the sister!), who said that someday he will go to Italy to see the works of Michaelangelo, who shared with me the burden of being a class president, who missed his father and always beamed when he told me how good his father at drawing, who hugged me when in his hardest moment I told him, it’s okay everything is gonna be alright.

We drifted apart after he got a girlfriend and I got a boyfriend.

And when I saw him after that, I just knew that we will have the second kiss. What I didn’t know was, it also came with a broken heart.

Did I regretted it?

I know that someday I will fall out of love with him. He will find another who he told his stories to. After all, it’s just an emotion. No I did not regret it. Things will be okay I know.

So what will you do?

I think and then, nothing. I will do nothing about it. I’m not gonna chasing a pavement for him nor I’m gonna change anything about me, or losing my self-respect. My friend Nuy said, you can feel anything, you can feel sad, madly in love, angry, jealous nobody can control feeling, but what you can control is the way you’re behaving.

But, surely you want him right?

Oh yes I do, but before that, he should realized how lucky he is that someone like me wants him.

Because although I knew him well, I think he don’t know me that well. So mister, learn fast because nothing last forever, only change does.

Meanwhile, let’s get back to work. And just dance if things goes not so well for you said Andrea Petkovic who just defeated Maria Sharapova 😀

Something worth fighting for

In my college life, I think I was blessed with many good friends. I found my bestfriends, shared my dreams, cried and laughed with them. Some of them stay in my life long after we graduated. Again, I feel blessed. But there’s some funny things about friendship,  as I grow older (and hopefully wiser) I learned that we must work for friendship.

Friendship is the most fun relationship someone can ever have with another human being. You started it with common likes and hobbies, no promises or commitment yet you can count on your friends to be there when you need it. You tell your friend secrets not even your mother knew, they keep it and they accept you just the way you are. You have fun and craziness with them. You never grew tired hang around with them, even silence means comfort when you have your bestfriend by your side.

Last year, I learned the meaning of friendship the hard way. I learned that friends are not the one you can only have fun with, they’re also the one who gave you shoulder when you need to hide your tears. Because of my 26 years of living, and spend most of it being social person as someone who tend to said yes and avoid conflicts, I never really had problems with my girl friends, no fights, nothing. But last year, my world was turning upside down. I lost friends, many of them that are close to me, who I consider my bestfriends, people I really care about.

Many things happened, somehow we had a lesson about being a grown up and to deal with problems. Works, friends, relationship, families. I think the moment you realized what is important in your life, you will have the urge to fight for it. And most importantly, have the courage to fix it, say you’re sorry and try to understand – kinda like imagine you’re in their shoes- I know I’ve been selfish, I know my friends have been selfish too, but like family, you just know that you love them and care for them. And at the end, you will have to put your ego aside, because you need them in your life.

Last week, I terribly missed my good friend, who’s away in Australia right now. Thing has been difficult for us, and I know I caused her sadness. And it just doesn’t feel right. Try your best doing a ‘well, I don’t care’ act, believe me, you’ll just put another lie to shield your selfishness. So I emailed her again, tried my best to make her understand. And she replied and I can see she did her best to understand me too. She was this girl I knew but she’s more. She grows up, more mature and I can see that somehow she learned from things life gave to her. I’m so proud of her. Really proud of her. We need more time. But patience is virtue.

Nuri, my good ol’ friend said, that maybe this was a test. How hard will you work for your relationship with your friends, how determined are you to fix things and how to put our ego and being brave. I proved it with Nuy and I dare myself again.I guess the old saying cliche about friends is true, boys come and go but friends stay forever.

I was mad at one of my friend who refused to fix things, because she was scared. Maybe I have to put myself in her shoes to understand her. Or maybe she failed the test. I hope someday she’ll have the courage to do it, but for now I think you will walk with person who matter to you and you know that you matter for them. Small things like wedding ceremonies, funerals, even a text saying good luck in your final exam day, or an email in a busy hectic day to lift up the spirit, or even cupcake you bought just because you know she craves for those thing, all of it need efforts. If you only want your friends for a drink, movies, concerts, gossips -in other way, only the fun part- you can find a  lot.

But if you want friends to tell your darkest secrets, defend you even the whole world against you, mad at you because you did something wrong, hold your hand when you almost lost faith in everything, and tell it to your face ‘don’t worry, no matter how bad it will be, I’ll be here for you’ and really means it, the kind of friends you will see in your old days, someone who makes you into a better person and help you to find the best in you, I must say it’s not a lot. You’re lucky if you found one. Extremely lucky if you have some. Those kind of friends are rare because you both already passed a test, some tests probably, on how much a friendship means to each of you.

Nuy, you’re my living proof, I love you.

 

time to say goodbye

on Januari, 11th, 2011 Irma’s father, om Beny, passed away. I always remember him as someone extraordinary. Big, full of laugh, loud,drive like there’s no tomorrow and always always protective about his girls (and his daughter’s friends also, he was once mad at me and Irma because we got home too late, and as Irma is my neighbor and I always drove her home, he told me that it’s not save for two girls driving alone in the city and I could tell that he was really worried about us).

When he and Irma got back from Sumatra, I remember that I went to their house and we ate a lot and lot Sumatran dishes. He smacked me hard on the back to get more on my plate. I had a good time and that was the last time I saw him.

He’s a good man, a good father and I really hope for the best for him and his family he left behind.

And as for my dearest friend Irma, I can’t say that I know how you feel because I’ve never been there, but you’re the strong girl who I once was always relied on, I know you will get better and you will be doing just fine. In the mean time, you got us.

this was the view I saw high up on the Light House in Belitung, the view was breathtaking and stood on such height and saw the endless sea, I felt small. But the sunlight was magnificent I thought, this must be peace felt like. I hope Om Beny, and my grandma, my uncle, Hendra’s dad and whoever we lost along the way, now have the peace greater than this.

wise men say..

only fools rush in.

they’re probably right, because nothing compares to this feeling.

but without any hope or agenda

and like an open window to an endless blue

like the wind that brushes every grass and trees

without being perfect and try my best being honest

I’m gonna keep my wasted heart

I’m the runner up inside of you,

and you’re the winner inside of me.

then you said,

“lose your way and I will follow”

I did,

and never before, I understand you better.

Belitung Island, Sumatra 2010-2011

you’re everywhere