how to be sad

it’s easy to be sad. put some melancholic song and think about death.

or think about people you love so much is well, dead.

but today, I am sad.

for many reasons that not included mellow songs and the thought of dead.

I am a sad, lonely girl, sitting in a little cafe with ice tea and blueberry cheesecake, writing my blog and the urge to hold my tears. How depressing is that, plus I’m in Jakarta, alone, without anywhere to go.

I had 2 kilos tote bag that almost made my shoulder crack, and the thought that I did this for money is even make me sadder. (is that a word? sadder?).

My mom told me, do your job with all your heart and soul, for if you do it in sincere, you will not feel the burden of it. Mom, I tried really.

But I feel like trapped. I use to think, a company of friend or whole bunch of friends, can take the blue out of your day. well, mostly it did. But not today. And like my bestfriend said, this laughter will not stays forever.

And what is funny, some of my friends judged me for being a heartless bitch for not feeling sad over my breakup. Because I don’t show my sadness. Well, does it make my day any better if I wrote about my feeling on twitter or facebook. Does that ease the pain if I talked about it on and on with them?

NO.

Nothing will ever ever ever fix this.

And I find it comforting to just laughs about things, or mocking my relationship (or in this case trashing me for being a ruthless bitch) and laugh some more, because damn it, it’s harder to put a smile when your heart is shattered.

how do they think I react if I know how sad he is?

I bit my tounge to hold the tears

how do they think I react if I know he’s not responding to my text?

I bit it a little harder

and how do they think how I feel when I know he’s living some life I barely know anymore?

I am shattered.

and can they imagine, that the thought it does not work at least for me anymore is beyond shattered?

of course not, because god forbid, I laugh about it.

“I just don’t get her, why she’s not feeling sad about it? why she’s having fun and laughs a lot?”

well, why not?

.

but yeah, today I’m sad.

and putting a smile on my face, is seems like an extra hardwork.

and I’m just tired.

.

I guess it’s the effect you got when you laughs a lot.

and at the end, all you need is a quiet afternoon, with one of your most dearest friend, talking about nothing or everything, and when you go home, the 2 kilos totebag feels a little lighter.

.

I need you nurul wardani. I really do. 😦

the game

I abandoned this blog for too long, I’m busy with twitter and tumblr. :p

anyway, for New Year I spent it with my friends in Lombok, which is great. Lombok, located in Nusa Tenggara Barat is one of the most beautiful beaches in Indonesia. We’re going snorkeling, my first experience (I’m super excited) and sunburn is a must. 😀

Morning at Malimbu Beach

click to my flickr page for Lombok gorgeous view

Thanks to Weslie and Anggi for this unforgettable trip. I had so so so so much fun! 😀

Back to Bandung (and Jakarta) I can’t help but feeling a little gloom. I mean, those 5 days were not only paradise, but also my escape from my school, my job, my well sorry to be corny, misserable love life.

I enjoyed bathing in the sun, sweating on the road of Gili Terawangan, soaked wet from salty water, feeding the fish underwater (ama-zziiiing), and woke up to a cottage with a beautiful view of Gili Terawangan Island. Oh and I also miss the laughter, and company of friends (thanks guys, you all are wonderful), and making no other plans than : where to eat, where to snorkel, where to take a walk, where to have fun.

I get so full of fun, it’s kinda hard to play the old game, again and again.

So, to get it straight : my job is a mess, my boss kinda lunatic, my school is a mess, I’m stuck with green architecture theory which is stressing, but that I can handle.

But what is bugging me, is that this so old game called relationship between boy and girl.

I’m not a drama person, I hate making things up just to add the sparkle, so I tend to sit and do nothing. People talk, I can’t help it and it’s none of my business what are they talking about. (yes, mostly I’m the bitch for dumped my perfect boyfriend).

So I just put a smile, and yes, do nothing about it.

I’m not complaining, I myself agree that what I did it’s purely a selfish act. And at times, I miss him so badly so much so painfully that I rushed to my phone just to send him a text. (Which stay on my draft and never get send) I know it will lead to another painfull things either for me or for him.

But at another time, I remember the beach, the sun, the sand, the sea and I feel, you know, it’s very liberating.

It’s the feeling a single girl could only feels.

Freedom. Unattached. Relax. Happy. And the feeling that you can do whatever you want, because you are old enough to decide anything you want and not old enough to have so much responsibilities.

This kind of freedom is, well, dangerous.

Partly because I’m not used to it. And before I realised it, I’m back to the game. But I’m not the player with the same cards as before, and you know, it’s fun.

But like everybody said, you need somebody to love

True.

I guess I did not deserve my old boyfriend, because he’s too nice, too perfect, too kind. While others think I’m looking for somebody new, the truth is no.

I like being single (at least for now)

*sorry about this emotion flood, I just listened to Can’t Help This Feeling by REO Speedwagon, and you know music is a powerful emotional tool. :p