genuinely crazy in love

that’s the words from my sister blog. She’s not in love, the full sentence was ‘will I ever be happy again? like genuinely crazy in love happy?‘.

Well, I asked that question over and over and over again to myself. I was so worried and then I chose not to think about it too much. But here’s the thing, I think I change my definition about ‘crazy in love’. I know somehow I will not experience the same love I had before.

When I meet new guys, in my head I rundown a list to check. The list goes like smart. educated. nice. good career. animal lover, but not cat. family oriented. like to read. his sense of humor. his choice of clothes. his hair product. and on and on and on.

At the end, I decided : No, I’m not gonna fall in love, let alone crazy in love, with this guy. In just about 10 minutes. I know it takes hour, or maybe months to decide someone who you will eventually love. But that shouldn’t be this hard, right?

the sky on my grandma’s funeral

last month, my grandma passed away. I was so upset, I cried all the way home from Jakarta in a shuttle car while listening to UP soundtrack. I know maybe it’s the best for her, since she is in pain from her osteoporosis for years. But what make me sad is seeing my grandpa, lost in his world, when his wife left him. After my grandma’s funeral, he often goes to her room, calling her name. Once he told me, ‘it is so quiet here, without your grandma’. Which is kinda ironic and romantic since they spend almost all their marriage fighting.

I then know, it was love. They yell at each other, fight, and get into each other nerves, but they really care about each other deeply. (my grandma’s nurse told me about this, when days before she passed away, she still care whether my grandpa got his nap or not and make sure nobody disturb him.)

Then maybe now, his world is in silence. Even quieter than before.

my grandpa’s room

It was raining and dark when I got off the shuttle in Bandung, he picked me up and take me for cake and hot tea. I don’t know if I need him, but it was kinda nice to have someone pick you up and talk over teas. He managed to made me laugh too, and I really appreciated it, because I know, he was unsure about me too.

Because now my grandpa lives alone (with his maid, but my mom thinks he need a relatives in the house too), I decided to move to Jakarta. I had some interview and I’m pretty sure I can get a job there in June. I was so sure with the plan that I forgot how much I hate offices. I hate sitting in a desk doing nothing but staring at monitor and being told what to do. My friends doing all these things, my bestfriend, got her first job in Jakarta and moved three weeks ago. I’m happy for her. But I don’t want to be her.

The idea of me working 9 to 5 was kinda depressing. But I need the money right? And the experience, right?

I told one of my male friend about my so-called love affair, I told him, ‘he takes me to places. strange places that I don’t know I enjoyed till I was there’.

And it’s true. I met new people. I involved in new activity. I see new things. Well, the main reason I did it at the first time is because I like him, but eventually I love it.

And I told myself, why don’t I see more people? So I contacted my mentor in movie school I was in years ago. We met and I made new friends there too. I was so excited. I learn new things. Like how documentary movie is exciting and hopefully will be involve in some film script-writing and film-making (again!).

My movie mentor was a great guy who with him you can tell almost anything, he told me, “write”. And just like that I remember how much I love to write, how I spend nights to put my imagination into words, how much I miss it.

Then I met my good friends in college who is a green environment activist, I told her, I really wanna help since my thesis theme is green architecture. She said, ‘you’re welcome anytime’.

I accidentally bump into my highschool friend who likes to arrange a trip with bunch of stranger to some island or beach in Indonesia. I told her, count me in in the next trip you have.

my mock-up for my thesis project made by wiwid

I had my thesis preview last week and my lecturer said, maybe he could get my project on a design journal. Which if it’s do come true, will be grrreeaatt!

I was in a good mood.

I met him every day, and told him about what’s going on with my life today. He told me what’s with his. We sits for hours just talking. And I like how he shares his dreams, his plans and his accomplishments. I then believe I could do great things with my life too.

I believe to be happy and success I don’t have to sit and stare at a monitor all day long. I realized I have choices. It may seems naive, but I can be what I want to be. The definition of happy is different for each person. I may be an interior designer. But I am too a writer. A teacher. Just because I had master in Interior Design, doesn’t mean I have to work in top notch interior firm in the city (well maybe I will, but you see, I lay my choices). Being a green activist who build eco-friendly house in a slum area is not a bad idea too, right? Or a writer who travels city to city to seek inspiration. Or an english teacher and build a free-school for poor kids. Or all of these things. 🙂

One thing he teach me by experience : be nice to people, have good intentions in everything you do, then great things will fall into your lap without you knowing it.

fuschia color sky -on my way to Jakarta-

so you see, when everybody thought he was a bad influence (well, by everybody I mean is my dear dear friends, because apparently, my parents ask him to sit in the dining table with them every time he came by to pick me up), I know he’s good and nice. Not by lover definition since he’s not mine and I’m not his, but by friend definition.

We don’t defines our relationship. It is surely more than friends, but not well committed like a lover. But I’m in stage that I don’t want to define any relationships. As long we can have a good good good laughs, great movies, nice foods, exciting places to visit, someone to text when you find something hilarious on twitter, or someone to call when you feel like talking before you go to sleep, and more importantly, someone who can make you do your best, it is more than enough. At least for now.

As to be genuinely crazy in love, I still hope someday I’ll experience it. But I can say, now I’m genuinely happy. 🙂

After graduation, I plan for my very own Eurotrip! I’m saving right now, and hopefully I see my sister there in July or August! 🙂

As for my grandpa, I promised myself even if I don’t get a job in Jakarta, I will spend two or three days a week in Jakarta just to be with him. 🙂

LIVE IS SPLENDID RIGHT NOW

KICK ASS!!

This movie beats Ironman in my level of superhero awesome-ness . And Hit Girl is definitely my favorite superhero ever. move over scarlett, she  will definitely kick your ass.

kinda nice

it’s frustrating how you always said yes when you suppose to say no

and it’s intriguing how you can say no when I need a ‘yes’

how irritating that you keep your secrets so good

and how amazing that you can open up to me like you know me since forever,

it’s a desperate act when I said don’t go

but it’s the sweetest things when you said stay

you know how reckless I am when you are around

and how I analyze everything when you’re not around

It’s amazing how easy my mother likes you

cause the truth is you are unbelievably dangerous for me

it’s very quizzical that you can be so childish

and be very dependable when I need you to be

I know it’s inexplicable how we laugh like a best friend

but kiss like it’s criminal

Totally understandable that this is not a relationship worth fighting

but it’s totally unlogic how we keep this thing on and on and not get weary

It’s disturbing how you always moving so fast

but I feel content when you rest your head in my shoulder

it’s up and down

electrifying and serene

charged and drained

but anyway,

it’s kinda nice.

Meet Lulu

hello, there

lulu and my little sister, sasa

lulu and me at restaurant

in the car with Manik, my girl to go for lulu's day out

at pvj, sharing sausage

lulu in my bed :), goodnight lulu

I have her since she was born,

It has been 3 years.

I don’t know I could love something so much.

🙂

she is my everything.

the hardest words

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

.

I hurt you, broke you, never be able to fix you.

I’m so sorry.

.

it would be better, if you just hate me forever, mad at me, holding grudge at me,

but you smiled at me,

and wishing me well.

.

you

smiled

at

me.

.

told me, that my presence still keep your heart beating faster

that you miss my dog more than ever,

and that everything will be okay for both of us at the end

even we have a different ending for each of us

.

I realized, it’s me who is broken,

beyond repair

because

you still as perfect as ever.

.

the same place where the last time we went out as a couple

the same bench

and the same beverages

but, different us.