A new year has come and the first month almost ends. December was a blur, I finished my CELTA and began to work in my old place, realized that everything was not the same anymore. It was such a weird feeling, how you realized that your old ways of doing things wasn’t gonna work anymore. That you’ve discovered something but you couldn’t work it out what was it just yet. But one thing is clear, you need to learn more because you’ve seen more.
I’ve spent most of my days around my boyfriend. It was our routines and unspeakable schedule, that dinner was meant to be had together, that when I finished my work we met, that we shared almost every moment. And it was… suffocating. I didn’t realized it before and didn’t put much thought about it. But it’s like breathing a new air when I’m alone. It’s fresh and exciting. I can compile things that scattered in my brain and I do what I need to do better when I’m alone.
Am I bored? Is he? Well, it’s obvious we’re facing the mundane life of couples and we both hate it. One night, tired after work, worn out by non-stop cough, we talked. He said that he felt this was how a relationship should be. I said it is how it should be, but it also not how it supposed to be. We love each other and being in each other company, but there has to be something more than that. In the company of each other, or being in a relationship in general has to have some benefits for each individual. It’s a very tricky situation, how do you say that you’re bored with the relationship but not with the person you’re with?
He said, ‘If this is how you want it, I’ll do it.’ although it was so sweet of him, I was unhappy about how he said it. Isn’t it just the contrary of how a healthy relationship should be? We supposed to be able to fulfill each other’s desire. By agreeing to sacrifice for a relationship, it’s not a relationship at all. It becomes a work, a job, a duty to satisfy your significant other. What for? For keeping the relationship? To make it last longer which means, more works for each one. Relationship becomes the enemy of love.
While I explained it to him (as best as I could), he touched my arm and cheek, he said -with a look that I’ve been missing- ‘This is why I do it, this is why we do it. This kind of feeling, being with you, is the reason.’
It comes down to a simple thing at the end: love is irrational, but relationship is all about logic. We can’t work on love, but relationship is all about system. So we decided to try to loosen up a bit and as a result, something just grow a bit stronger than before. We didn’t spend time together for the weekend, but it was a really, really good feeling.
I miss him and not miss him at the same time. When we’re not together, I don’t feel less loved.
When I’m alone, I restore myself.
– Marilyn Monroe