work hard

there’s an interesting article I read in an December ELLE issue, it’s about how we sometimes feel the need to stop and have a me time to refresh and to take a big break, well the author said that instead of that, what we’re need is more work and maybe that suppose to be put inside our new year resolution list. I think it’s a good idea though, hard work, not the kind that turns you into workaholic, but at the right amount.

The author also said that working keeps mind of from things. If we do something routine and constantly we lost and forget about other things and it’s a good recipe for a broken heart instead of going away and have a breakup trip. Well, it works on me anyway.

My friend Yori said what I do right now, it’s kind of hard to understand. He said that people need big heart to do that kind of thing. If we give something to someone it’s only natural we hoping for something back. I do too. But what choices do I have? You will get another series of broken heart and disappointments, oh yes sir, I will.

But that’s the problem with heart I think, you don’t give it, it chooses. I can try to keep it off my mind, and it works, at least I’m not sad anymore. I try to see other guy, and it works, at least I know there are other chances. I don’t call, text,see him, and it works, at least I know I can handle days without his presence.

But you know sometimes those little fragile thing, that can vanish in seconds, that can change in an instant, that can be hit and breaks is some damn stubborn thing. Because it doesn’t need a presence, it doesn’t need any replacement, it doesn’t think logically. Maybe Mr.Gaiman put it right..

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones)

Anyway, my friend Yori was worried I got into this delusional blinded by love thing. He was so concerned and I can’t helped but laughed. No I’m not. Why you’re so sure? Because.. I paused for a moment, because I hate myself when I’m with him, at least right now. He seems a bit puzzled so I try to explained it the best way I can. I like him and I like him for who he is, and I know who he is, the truths that hide behind those snob attitude, I even know him so well I know why he didn’t want me. I know the best sides of him and I saw the sides I don’t really like, the sides that broke my heart, made me sad, disgust me.  Yeah then so why you..? He protested. The reason why is, because he also made me into a better person, in a way he didn’t even realized. Only a few people in your life that can do that to you.

And it’s not because of the money, the talent, the success. I asked myself will I like him if those shiny things don’t belong to him? Well, the funny thing, I already did. almost 9 year ago when he was this young man who wore ripped jeans, didn’t had any money to eat, who I gave lifts cause he didn’t got any money for public transport, who sat  in my porch hours and hours until it’s past midnight, just talking over coffees, lots of coffees, who shared with me his scandalous love stories (yes I think women always his things), who told me all about his family long before I met them (and when I met them, I was like..oh yes, so you’re the sister!), who said that someday he will go to Italy to see the works of Michaelangelo, who shared with me the burden of being a class president, who missed his father and always beamed when he told me how good his father at drawing, who hugged me when in his hardest moment I told him, it’s okay everything is gonna be alright.

We drifted apart after he got a girlfriend and I got a boyfriend.

And when I saw him after that, I just knew that we will have the second kiss. What I didn’t know was, it also came with a broken heart.

Did I regretted it?

I know that someday I will fall out of love with him. He will find another who he told his stories to. After all, it’s just an emotion. No I did not regret it. Things will be okay I know.

So what will you do?

I think and then, nothing. I will do nothing about it. I’m not gonna chasing a pavement for him nor I’m gonna change anything about me, or losing my self-respect. My friend Nuy said, you can feel anything, you can feel sad, madly in love, angry, jealous nobody can control feeling, but what you can control is the way you’re behaving.

But, surely you want him right?

Oh yes I do, but before that, he should realized how lucky he is that someone like me wants him.

Because although I knew him well, I think he don’t know me that well. So mister, learn fast because nothing last forever, only change does.

Meanwhile, let’s get back to work. And just dance if things goes not so well for you said Andrea Petkovic who just defeated Maria Sharapova 😀


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