what we are looking for

This new year me and my bestfriend will go for a beach, we’re going to Belitung, a beautiful island in Sumatra with gorgeous beach.I can’t wait for next week and off to white sand and blue sky. 😀 I think, both of us need this.

This past few days, I’ve been thinking about stuff. Especially about the relationship and him. Like usual, he become distance all of sudden, but not like before, this is the first time I really don’t care anymore. It’s true, I’m still thinking about him but it’s like trying to solve a formula and you just too tired to actually care. His words months before coming back to me and I remembered how inappropriate those words are. It’s true I guess wanting someone who doesn’t seems to want you then want you and not want you again can be very interesting, it’s like chasing a ghost and my gosh, how thrilling is that.

But as I sat alone at this restaurant, no one here but me and my laptop, a company of hot tea and it’s almost late in the night, the rain is drizzling and the radio try their best to play a good sappy song, I feel eased.

Last night I met him at my friend’s exhibition opening, I also met her who keep babbling about serious art stuff, and I happened to know that his mom who’s in town went out with his ex who always be a good escort everytime his family member is in town. When he told me this, I can’t help but let out a laugh.

This is stupid. This is a joke. His love life and all of his women is like a charade in a circus. They look ridiculous and though I’m sure they’re smart and nice and all, they look like a clown.  They want more of him, those little pieces he’s giving away and then they want the whole cake.

He asked me why I laughed, I said nothing, but I can see he knows why. Maybe he’ll end up with one of his exes, or one of his many women and they will live happily ever after. I don’t know. But at that moment I was struck how ridiculous all these things are. And I refused to be part of this anymore.

I don’t want to be in those tangled relationship anymore. I guess, what I want it’s the same like what I want before : I want a calm ride on the boat, not a ride in a roller-coaster. I love to enjoy the view rather that have everything blurry because we’re moving too fast. Everybody wants someone, everybody needs to be loved and be a lover, I knew that feeling, I almost see I’m feeling those butterflies and those moment when madness come and then a peaceful feeling when you can rest your head on someone shoulder. I know he wants that too.

But you know there are moments that things just doesn’t work the way we want to. Like an mp3 battery that drained when we still have a long journey to go (and forced to hear the shuttle’s radio), like a long queue to go when we were in the cinema’s ladies room and the movie is just about to start, like a rain that happened to pour just when you decided to left your umbrella at home. Like the feeling of waiting and waiting and then nothing good happened.

Irritated, disappointed, sad.

But at least now I know what I’m looking for and going to do: a long lasting mp3 battery, go to the loo at least fifteen minutes before the movie start, bring an umbrella especially on December, don’t wait but make good thing happened. 🙂


on the way home on taxi. my favorite part at every end of days. rain+night+earphone+sit watching traffic outside


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