Okay, breakup do sucks.
I mean, really, really, really sucks. Especially when we are the one who is getting dumped. Like every normal girl, okay, Leo girl, I don’t take no for an answer. Especially when I want that thing so bad. Example, I want a boots, I have to buy the boots, regardless how expensive or how much I will suffer my financial balance the next months.
I want it, and I think later how to deal with it.
Like I want him.
I know there will be no us, no future, no relationship. But still, I want him. He damaged me bit by bit, wear my heart out, eat my time, and I found myself lost. But he fascinated me, by his thoughts, by his act, by his world. I learn new things from him, and I can’t get enough of him. I want him, everyday and every way I could.
And there is time I want him all by myself, and that ladies, are not good. Clearly, he’s a free spirited, even his mother call me just to get to him, she ask me is it a bad time to call and is he mad because she ask favors. Of course he’s not mad, his mother means the world to him, but you get the idea. No one can ever control him.
In a way, we’re the same.
On some occation, my math tutor told my bestfriend, ‘she is complicated’, and I just don’t get it. What is so complicated about me? I know what I want. I don’t do drama. But maybe is just as simple as this : it’s hard to found someone to keep up with me.
Even I wore him out.
I said to him to pick me up, drove me home, going to movies, bookstore, eat in my choice of place. Not only that, I told him to do this, don’t do that, better quickly done this and that. He told me many, many, many times ‘what I wouldn’t do for you?’, and I said, ‘and what I wouldn’t do for you?’. He keep up with me as I for him because we have a good time together. We’ve been friends a long time ago and being with him just feel natural.
But it doesn’t change the fact that we want different things. I want to feel secure, he wants to feel free.
As I let go my relationships (if u call that one), and get tired feeling sad, I find some peace and relieved. I don’t have to keep up with him again. I can be all myself again. I’m not pretending to be different person when I’m with him, but it feels that I’m forgetting what I really want with my life.
I know I will feels super sad if I know he’s seeing someone else. (As I’m writing it now, I feel some uneasiness in my chest). Will he find someone that can make him laugh too, someone who he take to meet his family? Or worse, is that someone new can make him gave what I don’t get from him the first time? The security.
Of course he will.
As hard as it is, life will go on. There are ups and downs.
There will be new people, new opportunities and I just have to believe it that this is good for the long runs.
I asked myself again, will I ever meet someone new? Someone who can make me laugh? Someone who will give me what I want, and most importantly, can keep up with me the way I want him to be? I will.
I know it’s hard to believe it will happen anytime soon. But life surprises us.
I was desperate last Monday, cried my heart out, and feeling tired and helpless, who knew that by Saturday I’m sitting feeling content in Starbucks, sipping my vanilla latte, wearing my fab boots and writing this stuff while waiting for my bestfriend to get here?
He ping me in bbm to told me about pigeon racing, he was there with his team. (His bird lost the race but he’s optimist about tomorrow race), and I asked myself, did I want to be there with him like we used to spend our weekend’s afternoon? Or do I prefer sitting here all by myself and just write?
Surprisingly, I prefer the second one. I thought being with him was everything, and I was wrong. Feeling comfortable with myself was more pleasing.
I think there’s a moment when we feel like we’re losing it.
I mean, come on, I’m 26, just being dumped by a guy who chose to be free in compare to being in a relationship with me (which is his way of saying, no I want to fool around and don’t want to feel guilty to you) and look at the joke : he dumped me because I told him I don’t like seeing him with a 42 years old woman. That means : he chose the milf over me.
This is so ironic I cried over my laughs.
Girls, don’t lose it. You just have to see the humor in every tragedy.