how to be sad

it’s easy to be sad. put some melancholic song and think about death.

or think about people you love so much is well, dead.

but today, I am sad.

for many reasons that not included mellow songs and the thought of dead.

I am a sad, lonely girl, sitting in a little cafe with ice tea and blueberry cheesecake, writing my blog and the urge to hold my tears. How depressing is that, plus I’m in Jakarta, alone, without anywhere to go.

I had 2 kilos tote bag that almost made my shoulder crack, and the thought that I did this for money is even make me sadder. (is that a word? sadder?).

My mom told me, do your job with all your heart and soul, for if you do it in sincere, you will not feel the burden of it. Mom, I tried really.

But I feel like trapped. I use to think, a company of friend or whole bunch of friends, can take the blue out of your day. well, mostly it did. But not today. And like my bestfriend said, this laughter will not stays forever.

And what is funny, some of my friends judged me for being a heartless bitch for not feeling sad over my breakup. Because I don’t show my sadness. Well, does it make my day any better if I wrote about my feeling on twitter or facebook. Does that ease the pain if I talked about it on and on with them?

NO.

Nothing will ever ever ever fix this.

And I find it comforting to just laughs about things, or mocking my relationship (or in this case trashing me for being a ruthless bitch) and laugh some more, because damn it, it’s harder to put a smile when your heart is shattered.

how do they think I react if I know how sad he is?

I bit my tounge to hold the tears

how do they think I react if I know he’s not responding to my text?

I bit it a little harder

and how do they think how I feel when I know he’s living some life I barely know anymore?

I am shattered.

and can they imagine, that the thought it does not work at least for me anymore is beyond shattered?

of course not, because god forbid, I laugh about it.

“I just don’t get her, why she’s not feeling sad about it? why she’s having fun and laughs a lot?”

well, why not?

.

but yeah, today I’m sad.

and putting a smile on my face, is seems like an extra hardwork.

and I’m just tired.

.

I guess it’s the effect you got when you laughs a lot.

and at the end, all you need is a quiet afternoon, with one of your most dearest friend, talking about nothing or everything, and when you go home, the 2 kilos totebag feels a little lighter.

.

I need you nurul wardani. I really do. 😦

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One thought on “how to be sad

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