pretender

what I love about House  ( I refer to dr.House, not the series) is that he can say almost anything that crosses his mind, he doesn’t care if his words are insulting or annoying, or in case sounded so terrible, because he speaks (what he thinks) truths.

While that doesn’t apply in my everyday life, because I spend almost my whole life trying to be nice to everybody. I suppress my feelings or opinion because I don’t want people around me to be unhappy from something I said. It made me shut my mouth (and maybe that’s the reason I love writing so much) and all this time, I thought I was the less selfish person because I said yes , because I rather made myself unhappy than to disagree, because I try hard to please everybody.

well, it doesn’t made me a good person, but just a hypocrite.

I didn’t say I’m a whole different person right now, but yeah, I change.

At least to my closest people, I try to be myself. I try to speak what’s on my mind and not try to like what I dislike just because other people likes it.

I dress based on what I like (and some thinks I’m a weird dresser, laughing at my choice of clothes)

I do what I wanna do (and some thinks it’s unnecessary, let alone stupid or meaningless)

I say what is really on my mind (and other think I have evil thought and bad mouth)

.

but I’m happy,because I’m not tired of thinking : what other people will think if I…

well, sometimes I’m thinking bout that too, I’m not totally going lunatic.. and guess what, by doing what my mind tell me to do and not being a pretender, people who I care the most, stick with me.

recently, one of my closest friend, announcing she was going to get married, and yes, I had issues with her decision, and then my other friend said, it’s weird you don’t ever mention about her in your blog. Aside from the fact that she might reading it, it will left me with nothing. no advantages for me by saying ‘yeah I think your whole plan was ridikulus and stupid’.

so, I was being a pretender, the fact that I was avoiding this issue in my blog  are no difference with the real life. I don’t talk to her that much let alone see her. I was avoiding her as well. I said to myself, this was her decision as an adult, I said I respected it and it is none of my business. none at all.

so, I was being, ‘don’t care , don’t ask, don’t do anything’ about the fact my best friend was going to get married. I know it’s sad, because I was ready for my friends, that when they got married, I’m gonna burst into tears, I’m gonna help them planning the wedding, I’m gonna be with them all through the ceremony, and then, I’m gonna burst into tears again seeing them in a white kebaya wedding full of sparkling beads, making promise to Allah in front of the penghulu.

But now, it’s different. The dissapointment I felt the first time, is already gone. I just simply don’t care that much.

Then I realise, maybe it’s just we are not the same person we used to be. She was my best friend, but she is not now. I know it’s crazy to think that way, but it is just the way I feel right now. I don’t know if we could be bestfriend again but people change so I hope, yeah, we will be again someday.

being a pretender means you don’t have to face the consequences if you telling the truths, speak your mind.

you can hide in this invisible shell, hiding from other people disagreement, anger, disapointment.

but by being not, I have to accept the fact, she is gonna mad at me, don’t want to talk to me, or even sad because of me.

so it left me wondering : what’s the point of saying it out loud? why can I keep my mouth shut?  is it just my act of selfishness to say this things? because by saying it I feel good about myself?

the answer is no,

I said it because I care about her, because I learned, you don’t want to hear bullshit from your bestfriend, you want to hear the truth. Is that what friends are for? and if there is a disagreement on that, I know at least I’m not being a liar in front of her, saying good things to only made her feel better, or saying things will be okay when I know it’s not.

there is a time when you have to follow your heart.

but there is also times when your heart play a trick on your head.

that’s when a bestfriend come along.

well, I could be wrong too. But that’s not the point.

the point is, life is do sucks sometimes, pretending it don’t suck, don’t make it suck-less.

Wishing for your happiness.

always.

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