While it’s fun, because we’re emo kid deep deep inside, I just want to write in different way.

so, please visit my other blog : http://pleaselistentothedog.blogspot.com/ it’s still me, but more un-emo and try to discuss other things than, well, relationshits.

oh and I write in bahasa a little bit. juuuust a little here and there. see ya!

this pic is taken at Zara when we went shopping. We already shared the same zodiac, ego and must it be stores too?

Anyway, this is right before the huge fight. I remember that night clearly because we had so much fun. movies, coffees,shopping, and tried every hat on the store. We had fun and we kissed a nice good bye kiss and the next day I wanted to gave him a really really good punch in the face. I think of not using my hand, but something heavy and blunt.

I was extremely, sorry, EXTREMELY mad at him that I deleted him from my bbm contact list. Yes. That showed how much I MAD AT YOU. I didn’t speak to him for 3 weeks and completely ignoring him. Well, knowing his ego, of course he’s not gonna call me first either. Both of you are stubborn, my friend said.

well, if you want to put this into game, let me get this straight, I’m not gonna surrender.

and…. I win.

he buzzed me first, and I screamed ‘YES!’ then he texted me, then he called me, then he met me.

I knew he missed me. and he knew I knew that. he also knew I missed him too. and he knew I know he knew.

then, before I knew it. We’re back again at Zara and trying another stupid hat. yeah, so much for a winner..

Don’t get me wrong, I do still want to punch him. I know that we’ll get into another fight. Maybe. So all I can do now is, nothing. I focused hard on my job and try to give him as little as possible space in my brain.

I realized, he may not be here tomorrow. But I think what he didn’t realized is, I may not too. But for now, let’s behave like a proper 26 years old and just eat the damn sushi.

oh, and I have another blog, is written in Bahasa. so fellow Indonesian, find me.

hot man with a sense of humor? oh yes baby.

The author also said that working keeps mind of from things. If we do something routine and constantly we lost and forget about other things and it’s a good recipe for a broken heart instead of going away and have a breakup trip. Well, it works on me anyway.

My friend Yori said what I do right now, it’s kind of hard to understand. He said that people need big heart to do that kind of thing. If we give something to someone it’s only natural we hoping for something back. I do too. But what choices do I have? You will get another series of broken heart and disappointments, oh yes sir, I will.

But that’s the problem with heart I think, you don’t give it, it choose. I can try to keep it off my mind, and it works, at least I’m not sad anymore. I try to saw other guy, and it works, at least I know there are other chances. I don’t call, text,see him, and it works, at least I know I can handle days without his presence.

But you know sometimes those little fragile thing, that can vanish in seconds, that can change in an instant, that can be hit and breaks is some damn stubborn thing. Because it doesn’t need a presence, it doesn’t need any replacement, it doesn’t think logically. Maybe Mr.Gaiman put it right..

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones)

Anyway, my friend Yori was worried I got into this delusional blinded by love thing. He was so concerned and I can’t helped but laughed. No I’m not. Why you’re so sure? Because.. I paused for a moment, because I hate myself when I’m with him, at least right now. He seems a bit puzzled so I try to explained it the best way I can. I like him and I like him for who he is, and I know who he is, the truths that hide behind those snob attitude, I even know him so well I know why he didn’t want me. I know the best sides of him and I saw the sides I don’t really like, the sides that broke my heart, made me sad, disgust me.  Yeah then so why you..? He protested. The reason why is, because he also made me into a better person, in a way he didn’t even realized. Only a few people in your life that can do that to you.

And it’s not because of the money, the talent, the success. I asked myself will I like him if those shiny things don’t belong to him? Well, the funny thing, I already did. almost 9 year ago when he was this young man who wore ripped jeans, didn’t had any money to eat, who I gave lifts cause he didn’t got any money for public transport, who sat  in my porch hour and hour until it’s past midnight, just talking over coffees, lots of coffees, who shared with me his scandalous love stories (yes I think women always his things), who told me all about his family long before I met them (and when I met them, I was like..oh yes, so you’re the sister!), who said that someday he will go to Italy to see the works of Michaelangelo, who shared with me the burden of being a class president, who missed his father and always beamed when he told me how good his father at drawing, who hugged me when in his hardest moment I told him, it’s okay everything is gonna be alright.

We drifted apart after he got a girlfriend and I got a boyfriend.

And when I saw him after that, I just knew that we will have the second kiss. What I didn’t know was, it also came with a broken heart.

Did I regretted it?

I know that someday I will fall out of love with him. He will find another who he told his stories to. After all, it’s just an emotion. No I did not regret it. Things will be okay I know.

So what will you do?

I think and then, nothing. I will do nothing about it. I’m not gonna chasing a pavement for him nor I’m gonna change anything about me, or losing my self-respect. My friend Nuy said, you can feel anything, you can feel sad, madly in love, angry, jealous nobody can control feeling, but what you can control is the way you’re behaving.

But, surely you want him right?

Oh yes I do, but before that, he should realized how lucky he is that someone like me wants him.

Because although I knew him well, I think he don’t know me that well. So mister, learn fast because nothing last forever, only change does.

Meanwhile, let’s get back to work. And just dance if things goes not so well for you said Andrea Petkovic who just defeated Maria Sharapova

Friendship is the most fun relationship someone can ever have with another human being. You started it with common likes and hobbies, no promises or commitment yet you can count on your friends to be there when you need it. You tell your friend secrets not even your mother knew, they keep it and they accept you just the way you are. You have fun and craziness with them. You never grew tired hang around with them, even silence means comfort when you have your bestfriend by your side.

Last year, I learned the meaning of friendship the hard way. I learned that friends are not the one you can only have fun with, they’re also the one who gave you shoulder when you need to hide your tears. Because of my 26 years of living, and spend most of it being social person as someone who tend to said yes and avoid conflicts, I never really had problems with my girl friends, no fights, nothing. But last year, my world was turning upside down. I lost friends, many of them that are close to me, who I consider my bestfriends, people I really care about.

Many things happened, somehow we had a lesson about being a grown up and to deal with problems. Works, friends, relationship, families. I think the moment you realized what is important in your life, you will have the urge to fight for it. And most importantly, have the courage to fix it, say you’re sorry and try to understand – kinda like imagine you’re in their shoes- I know I’ve been selfish, I know my friends have been selfish too, but like family, you just know that you love them and care for them. And at the end, you will have to put your ego aside, because you need them in your life.

Last week, I terribly missed my good friend, who’s away in Australia right now. Thing has been difficult for us, and I know I caused her sadness. And it just doesn’t feel right. Try your best doing a ‘well, I don’t care’ act, believe me, you’ll just put another lie to shield your selfishness. So I emailed her again, tried my best to make her understand. And she replied and I can see she did her best to understand me too. She was this girl I knew but she’s more. She grows up, more mature and I can see that somehow she learned from things life gave to her. I’m so proud of her. Really proud of her. We need more time. But patience is virtue.

Nuri, my good ol’ friend said, that maybe this was a test. How hard will you work for your relationship with your friends, how determined are you to fix things and how to put our ego and being brave. I proved it with Nuy and I dare myself again.I guess the old saying cliche about friends is true, boys come and go but friends stay forever.

I was mad at one of my friend who refused to fix things, because she was scared. Maybe I have to put myself in her shoes to understand her. Or maybe she failed the test. I hope someday she’ll have the courage to do it, but for now I think you will walk with person who matter to you and you know that you matter for them. Small things like wedding ceremonies, funerals, even a text saying good luck in your final exam day, or an email in a busy hectic day to lift up the spirit, or even cupcake you bought just because you know she craves for those thing, all of it need efforts. If you only want your friends for a drink, movies, concerts, gossips -in other way, only the fun part- you can find a  lot.

But if you want friends to tell your darkest secrets, defend you even the whole world against you, mad at you because you did something wrong, hold your hand when you almost lost faith in everything, and tell it to your face ‘don’t worry, no matter how bad it will be, I’ll be here for you’ and really means it, the kind of friends you will see in your old days, someone who makes you into a better person and help you to find the best in you, I must say it’s not a lot. You’re lucky if you found one. Extremely lucky if you have some. Those kind of friends are rare because you both already passed a test, some tests probably, on how much a friendship means to each of you.

Nuy, you’re my living proof, I love you.

When he and Irma got back from Sumatra, I remember that I went to their house and we ate a lot and lot Sumatran dishes. He smacked me hard on the back to get more on my plate. I had a good time and that was the last time I saw him.

He’s a good man, a good father and I really hope for the best for him and his family he left behind.

And as for my dearest friend Irma, I can’t say that I know how you feel because I’ve never been there, but you’re the strong girl who I once was always relied on, I know you will get better and you will be doing just fine. In the mean time, you got us.

this was the view I saw high up on the Light House in Belitung, the view was breathtaking and stood on such height and saw the endless sea, I felt small. But the sunlight was magnificent I thought, this must be peace felt like. I hope Om Beny, and my grandma, my uncle, Hendra’s dad and whoever we lost along the way, now have the peace greater than this.

only fools rush in.

they’re probably right, because nothing compares to this feeling.

but without any hope or agenda

and like an open window to an endless blue

like the wind that brushes every grass and trees

without being perfect and try my best being honest

I’m gonna keep my wasted heart

I’m the runner up inside of you,

and you’re the winner inside of me.

then you said,

“lose your way and I will follow”

I did,

and never before, I understand you better.

Belitung Island, Sumatra 2010-2011

you’re everywhere

1. laugh at it

and I mean it. sure, you’re in anger. you want to rip him in pieces and want to scream some nasty words toward him when he called you pretending nothing was wrong (oh yes, my ex came with me for christmas, she said she wants to meet my mom. um, that’s normal right?), and last, cry your hearts out why oh why he did this to youuu. But things happen in your life can be classified into two things : tragedy and comedy. So choose comedy instead. I mean, isn’t that hilarious how pathetic his ex is? or how stupid he sounds when he try to sounds cheerful so that you won’t get mad? It takes time, but believe me, when you chose to see everything from comedy’s point of view, life gets easier.

2. go for a drink

No, I don’t mean get wasted. Get your close girlfriends for a martini and some chocolate rum shake, then let them be mad for you. Sometimes you go through a stage when you’re not sure. Not sure whether you have to be mad at him. Not sure if his act is unforgivable. Now, before you reach your blackberry, talk to your girlfriend. One of my friend, said this to my face ( I think she’s a little bit tipsy) “You know, you look stupid because you always go along with him.” and the other say, “I know you’re different with all of his women. Now, prove it to me.” Okay, surely that burns something inside me. Pride. Yes. Sometime your girlfriend reminds you to hold fast onto it. Don’t lose your pride.

3. Cut him off

I deleted him from my blackberry messenger list. Well, sure he still can call me or text me, but at least not by bbm. And let him know that you cut him off. Do a silence treatment. Some says this is childish, but when you’re in anger and you’re sad you might said something you will regret later. So it’s best to just cut him off, don’t talk to him or see him. Maybe until things cool off. Then you can say calmly why you don’t like things he did to you. When you talk to a man in a controlled temper, they pay more respect, but if you blab and put some drama and tears, they’ll think you’re just “being silly”. Trust me, I tried it and it works.

4. Release your anger (in a very lady like way)

Who can keep calm 24/7? We’re not Mother Therese, we have patience sure, but it has limit too. But don’t put some nasty comments on his facebook wall or her facebook wall. Don’t block her or him from your twitter account, and stop dissing him in front of your friends and being sad and gloomy all the time. Have fun, go out, and laugh at the fact he brings his ex to his hometown (oh yeah, that would be funny if I said yes when his mother invited me for christmas, some family gathering huh?). So how to release it? Write some status on your facebook or twitter is okay, but make sure it has hidden message that only you (and your girlfriends) understand. Then have a little laught together.

5. Accept things

To act cool, you have to have a cool mind too. I know it’s hard, but you have to accept things that are not easy. He lied to you, he’s not good for you, or he’s just not that into you. Accept the fact. Accept that you maybe the loser who lost your man, but at least you’re not some loser who still chase the same man after he disappointed you, let you down, and hurt you. No, you’re better than that girl. Accept things and slowly but sure, you can act cool without even trying!

6. Forgive, but not forget

If he ask for forgiveness, that’ll be cruel not to forgive him (even God forgives). I say forgive him, you have a big heart. But now the question is, do you want to get back with him? That totally depends on each of you, all of us have different problems and different situation. Some relationship worth fighting, some not. But always remember this : never be with a man who doesn’t appreciate you and doesn’t treat you properly. Don’t be afraid of losing, because some goodbye means another hello.

7. Have some pride

I don’t have much to say except to have some pride and you will be respected. It comes both ways. You can’t expect you’ll get a respect if you don’t have some pride. I like this saying, “don’t go chasing men, they’re like trains, when the other goes, the other one will come along.”

Goodluck!

Nuy and our dish

Fachril behind the wheel

I spend my Saturday afternoon with two of them.

First I get my bestfriend all by myself, and for our shopping time, her husband came along.

That’s a good thing when your bestfriend’s husband is also your best friend. I always ask him about men’s perspective on  relationship and stuff. (as clueless as us women)

At the end of the day, we go for Maranggi Satay and the three of us talk about how some relationships failed.

I love them.

Tisa and Nuri, Pak Ayat, apron on, ready to get dirty

me, looks like some crazy hammering on un-used biscuits

this what part of the workshop looks like

Bi Yati, strangely talking to Tisa’s ceramic sculpture

Where Tisa and Nuri works, gossip and play city of wonder :p

Tisa’s work for her exhibition on January

Still laughing, that’s because they just start..

Tisa’s work, a mini cute chair. I want one!

from outside the window, Tisa’s beautiful works, can’t wait for her exhibition!

my favorite place, the alley on their workshop.

Kandura, Christmas Day.